Detoured...

What to do.

resolution

So, it’s been a tough year. 

No, make that year-and-a-half.

It’s tempting to say that it’s only been a tough couple of months...but if I’m honest and look back on the reality of what’s been going down behind the scenes in my life, that would make me a big ol’ liar. 

There’s so much that slowly shifted almost without my even realizing it. A lot I accepted, a lot I allowed, a lot I gave up.

I think it’s important that I do something about that. 

so, so seedy.

people's conversations in this peet's are almost *always* ridiculously amazing. these two guys at the table right next to me...i don't even know where to begin.

they're in their 60...i don't know if they're friends or just met...but one of them is telling the other about his seedy past.

About how he made decisions that left him destitute, then he hitchhiked to NY, then he "conned his way into welfare", then he met a woman, started a relationship, then never called her again ("she was pissed"), on and on...and after all of it, he told his friend that his one regret was...ready?...that he stopped meditating. because meditating made all his problems seem so small and insignificant. 

he just quoted bill mahr. he calls himself a "congregational existentialist". he hates young actors because they're "petty little fuckers...and poets who will do just about anything for a 50 dollar bill". and his wife does tai chi.

oh...and the other guy does tai chi, too.

aaand they both just said "nice to meet you" to each other and left through separate doors. 
huh. and there you are.

it just depends

some days are like this

and others are more like this

sometimes i know why, and sometimes i don't.

oh, monday

5 minutes ago: 

i'm standing outside of the studio blowing my nose, when i hear a familiar baritone quip: "i'm early!" to a few men standing about ten feet away from me. i have no choice but to continue filling my tissue with snot as Will Arnett walks past. "sorry," i mumble as i turn away bashfully. 

what a glamorous life i lead.

i sent this to some friends today, and then i thought i'd put it here, too, so i don't forget it.

so, i was reading "my utmost for his highest" this morning before work (trying very hard to do that every day…so far i've made it 2! woo!) i originally flipped to today's devotional, then glanced over to grab something and when i looked back to read it it was on the 5th. so i read that instead :)

it. relieved me. 

i know we're all dealing with heavy loads and needs and trying to do our best in infinite things in our lives…work, families, school, health, emotional struggles, etc.

for me it's trying to get a super awesome start to this new job (and not be constantly afraid of failing), be healthy, be a good wife, plan for the future, be more open to people, stay in better touch with friends, be creative…the list goes ON and ON. 

anyway, in the midst of this i just found it sweet that God knew to encourage me to rely on him and not on myself for all these things…from social anxiety, to deciding to eat kale instead of pizza for dinner. i emboldened my favorite parts. 

Jesus answered him, ’Where I am going you cannot follow Me now, but you shall follow Me afterward’ —John 13:36

No one is in front of Peter except the Lord Jesus Christ. The first “Follow Me” was nothing mysterious; it was an external following. Jesus is now asking for an internal sacrifice and yielding.

Between these two times Peter denied Jesus with oaths and curses. But then he came completely to the end of himself and all of his self-sufficiency. There was no part of himself he would ever rely on again. In his state of destitution, he was finally ready to receive all that the risen Lord had for him. No matter what changes God has performed in you, never rely on them. Build only on a Person, the Lord Jesus Christ, and on the Spirit He gives.

All our promises and resolutions end in denial because we have no power to accomplish them. When we come to the end of ourselves, not just mentally but completely, we are able to “receive the Holy Spirit.”— the idea is that of invasion. There is now only One who directs the course of your life, the Lord Jesus Christ.

(Here's the link to the whole thing)

be friends with failure.

Do it. NOW. 

This.

This is how i want to live each day. This is why i love my Lord. This is why i love clouds. :)

living

Matthew 23:18-20

"...go ye therefore, and teach all nations..."

"'Go ye therefore...' Go simply means live."

"'Ye shall be witnesses unto Me' in all these places. He undertake to establish the goings. 'If ye abide in Me, and My words abide in you...' --that is the way to keep going in our personal lives. Where we are placed is a matter of indifference; God engineers the goings."

*

Go simply means live. Go to work. Go to your home. Go on that trip. Go to the neighbors house. Just go. Trust that today, you woke up exactly where you are needed. Exactly where He has put you.

*

"If I want to know the universal sovereignty of Christ, I must know Him for myself, and how to get alone with Him; I must take time to worship the Being Whose Name I Bear."

How often do i need to hear this in order to know it? How do i rid myself of the guilt of wasted hours...of the need to somehow redeem lost days.

*

"'None of these things move me, neither count I my life dear unto myself..." That is how to keep going till we're gone."

In the face of another death, this time in Chad's family, i once again yearn to offer my life. Not as something worthless...why would Jesus die for something worthless? No, that is not what the word is saying. It is confirming my life's infinite worth in the light of what Christ has done. God doesn't deal in "wasted hours", but in what I choose today.

And today i choose to go.


~excerpts from Oct 14th's "My Utmost for His Highest".

an...idea

i think i have a semi-interesting-maybe-exciting-and-workable idea for a series of paintings.

lemme tell ya...it's been a while since i've had a semi-interesting-maybe-exciting idea. and i'm putting it out there, in writing, to make it SO.

now to overcome the fear-of-failure-crippling-anxiety-mental-monster-of-lameness. 

"arrrgh you're gonna make nothing but crap!!"

also, i need to buy a bunch of new paints. 

so, ask me about it when you see me, would you? keep me on task? thanks. you're the best! :)

golden

some days one is most content to go out & enjoy the almost-autumnal afternoon with a few of one's favorites: geranium, bougainvillea, lavender, & the lovely lantana.

altadena pickings

to love children

i get a little ridiculous around babies. i've always been drawn to them. but anything older than 6 months or so? didn't really faze me much until i was in my 20s.

these days people wonder sometimes at how much i "love children". some think it's "sweet", some are convinced it's because i "have a heart for them", and some have made it clear that they "don't get it".

gwennie june!

i guess it's because i've seen what happens when they're taken away. 
i've seen what happens when every day for months or years, they're *almost* taken away. 
not just in my own family, though that's what has contributed to my spirit the most, of course. 

i know i wasn't the same after gwennie was born and she stole my heart, and i haven't been the same since. who knows what's going to happen when i have my own someday...sheesh.

i'm not baby crazy. it's not because i "just looove kids and think they're soooo cute."

it's because i see a fleeting preciousness there i hadn't before, a need to take it in, to be near it.

call it morbid, or pessimistic, call it strange but i always look at a small child through the eyes of loss. always.

ian in the hospital last year

maybe that will change someday, i don't know. it's hard to know how and why we react the way we do to sickness and death in babies.


it's not because i don't trust God, or because i'm pessimistic. i think it's really the opposite. i just don't ever want to miss what these children are, and what they have to show me. i feel like so many people do. and i never, ever want to.


tonight, i read Lilli's Story, and once again, it reminded me of these things. it's a beautiful, bittersweet little read. 

Lilli

desperately need strength for the week ahead. 

why so much in particular, i wonder...

maybe it's that i'm emotionally burnt out

maybe it's that i'm anxious for the days to come...

...so. many. things.

maybe it's my grandpa's death

maybe it's my aching heart for people around me

maybe it's stress...do i have so much to do?

...or maybe it's just hormones.

i just want to do everything with grace and love.

i just want my savior's strength.

bye and bye, grandpa...

December 3, 1924 - September 8, 2013

My grandpa Floyd went to be with Jesus this afternoon. Surrounded by 3 of his children, 2 of his grandchildren, and a son and daughter-in-law.

What a strange thing it is, to watch someone take their last shuddering breath in this world...

sam

Every so often a kid you used to babysit when he was 6 years old turns into a real clever 20-year-old. Sam posted this as his status recently...

he's never run through an airport for me...

a sweet and simple read: when you think your love story is boring.

not my might

"Quit praying about yourself and be spent for others as the bondservant of Jesus.

That is the meaning of being made broken bread and poured out wine in reality."

           ~ Oswald Chambers, 
              My Utmost For His Highest

This was so convicting to me after the last week i've had, which,  in short, has been one of extreme focus on my self. on my failures, on my fears, on my grief.

Not entirely my fault, as a lot of it was the result of extreme anxiety attacks, which were not helped by physical sickness and changes in my medications. :\

But nevertheless, as the enemy knows and loves, my panic, as it always does, drove my focus on me, me, me... and it was only when i shifted that focus onto others--while also ignoring the need to analyze how i was coming across--that relief was had.

And then this morning Chad and i read the above exhortation in today's devotion.
"Am i doing anything to enable Him to bring His redemption into actual manifestation in other lives?"

May i find the balance in taking care of my mind, and serving others as i am meant to. May i not be a slave to fear, but a slave to God's perfect love. May i be joyful in His hope, and therefore a source of His sweet joy...

~~~

it's been a harrowing week for the Adams and the rest of the family. we almost lost Ian again a couple of days ago. life is so precious, everyone. kiss your babies, love your family, pray for your friends.

read the story here.

My friend Searcy is very, very sick.

Searcy is my dear friend Pip's wonderful sister...who over the years has becom a dear friend to me as well. She has beed plagued and almost killed by this medical mystery for so, so, long now..

She posted this on facebook from the hospital yesterday... 

"Well-I'm back here again. Prayers needed please for complete healing and wisdom for the doctors."

This lovely lady's spirit, wit, honesty and steadfastness over the long, painful course of this illness has been a constant source of hope, humbling and inspiration to so many, as she has done her best to keep people current with the twists and turns and praises and heartaches
For example, a few days ago she posted this...

"Wanna hear about miracles?! The majority of my medical debt from this illness just went from $94k to $1738.16. The reason given on the bill?! "Hardship". God moved mountains on my behalf. PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

then today...

"Prayer needed please: All my veins are blown so I'm getting a PICC line today also in prep for tomorrows surgery. Last time there was a complication in inserting the PICC and it shocked my heart painfully. Please pray for peace, protection, agility of hand, and increased trust in our Lord. ❤"

Tonight i sent her an email containing June 25th (today's) devotion from "My Utmost..."...and it so encouraged and quickened my spirit i thought i'd post it here as well...it almost made me cry. seriously...God is so wonderful, and so dear...

father

happy father's day, my dear papa.

(your 30th one, at that!)

it's been a long ride (see what i did there?) but in countless ways, that is a great and awesome thing, and i am learning that more and more every day and thanking God for it.

i count you as one of the most bountiful sources of blessing and growth on my life. through all the hugs, the tickle fights, the hurts, the joys, the years of butting heads and laughing til we cry, here we are.

i know how many people have no earthly father they feel they can acknowledge today, for whatever reason, and i am all the more grateful to be able to say: i love you, dad, and i'll see you later this afternoon. isn't that wonderful?