it's been a harrowing week for the Adams and the rest of the family. we almost lost Ian again a couple of days ago. life is so precious, everyone. kiss your babies, love your family, pray for your friends.

read the story here.

My friend Searcy is very, very sick.

Searcy is my dear friend Pip's wonderful sister...who over the years has becom a dear friend to me as well. She has beed plagued and almost killed by this medical mystery for so, so, long now..

She posted this on facebook from the hospital yesterday... 

"Well-I'm back here again. Prayers needed please for complete healing and wisdom for the doctors."

This lovely lady's spirit, wit, honesty and steadfastness over the long, painful course of this illness has been a constant source of hope, humbling and inspiration to so many, as she has done her best to keep people current with the twists and turns and praises and heartaches
For example, a few days ago she posted this...

"Wanna hear about miracles?! The majority of my medical debt from this illness just went from $94k to $1738.16. The reason given on the bill?! "Hardship". God moved mountains on my behalf. PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

then today...

"Prayer needed please: All my veins are blown so I'm getting a PICC line today also in prep for tomorrows surgery. Last time there was a complication in inserting the PICC and it shocked my heart painfully. Please pray for peace, protection, agility of hand, and increased trust in our Lord. ❤"

Tonight i sent her an email containing June 25th (today's) devotion from "My Utmost..."...and it so encouraged and quickened my spirit i thought i'd post it here as well...it almost made me cry. seriously...God is so wonderful, and so dear...

i've been burdened and overwhelmed to weeping tonight. events surrounding me with friends and family, through the world...and fear and death...have for the present flooded my mind and heart to the brim. loved ones sick with death looming near, and others already gone, people lost and hurt, old wounds bleeding fresh and fast.

i carry in my chest tonight an anxious heart. i don't want to face tomorrow.  i'm afraid to hear bad news, afraid to hope, afraid to disappoint, and be disappointed.

trying so hard to be faithful in prayer. i feel so feeble and weak.
in some ways i'm afraid to pray, afraid to acknowledge possibilities by praying for them not to happen.

loving hurts so badly sometimes.

and sometimes...doors just shut.

I wrote about the impending Russian adoption ban in December, and how it was bound to affect a family very close to us. Read it here.

Jaime, the mother of that family, posted this on facebook today...

I'm just heartbroken. Another tragedy i don't understand. If i can't even conceive that this is good-bye forever for them...how much more wrenching and painful is it for Jaime and her family...??

I am once again overwhelmed. Putin's pride shattering the lives and chances of thousands of children. It's just a nightmare.

And now that Isaac is 5 years old and has down's syndrome, he will likely be transferred to a mental facility, where he will have a very small chance of survival, much less a fraction of care and dignity...and definitely not love. After years of waiting and prayer, tens of thousands of dollars raised, getting to meet him finally this last winter....it's just...over.

They'll have to live and continue on their lives knowing he's alive somewhere, lying in a bed, wasting away, and there is nothing they can do. 

It's just so grievous i can't put it into words. God, this can't be the end of Isaac's story...

the next day

What did i tell you...? today is better.
Praying in the morning and reading "My Utmost..." with my husband over breakfast certainly didn't hurt.

Could i go so far as to say that's the whole reason?

probably.

ah, the wonders of a cyclothymic brain!

also, i'm gonna do this:

perhaps i'll upload the weeks's photos every thursday. that should be fun.

happy february :)

1 month

i can't believe we've already been married for a month...

...yet at the same time, i feel like it's been so much longer. settling into married life has been difficult, but sweet and rewarding. we were so ready.

first christmas

first dinner (zankou) in our new little place (with our designer coffee table)

Chad is working full-time at Trader Joe's, is in the midst of his winter class, and just signed up for his spring semester.

I am still at Disney television working on Minnie's Bow-toons, and was just offered more work with the possibility of full time, WOW...!
God is blessing us, and stretching us, so right now we are praying for wisdom, patience, and stamina! Sufficient sleep will definitely be one of our priorities. 

Please keep us in your prayers...Chad is nervous about the coming semester and really needs the Lord's strength. As for me, i need to learn how to be the most productive with my time and energy. i have a lot to do...including a ridiculous amount of thank you notes left to write...!

(heart) colleen

how.

how do you spend sweet time, cherish, and yet prepare peacefully (as possible) in faith for the coming death of your baby girl?

like this family...Madeleine.

bigger than politics

a horrific, horrific day.

the wrenching away of a child's life is just too much to much to process. in sickness, i have perspective...but in such diabolical violence...? i don't. i'm empty to it.

the angry web of evil and derangement that would drive a human being to this... we still don't know the seriousness of this problem. it is bigger than anyone wants to deal with.

many changes are coming, i think. i don't know exactly how i feel about it. are we ready for a real and honest conversation? perhaps i will expand on my thoughts at another time.

just thinking of empty little beds. empty little chairs.
presents under the tree that will never be opened.
when we got home from the hospital the night Gwennie, i watched Ginger walk in silently, an empty baby carrier in tow. Gwen's toys were still scattered, right where she left them only hours before. dinner dishes and her sippy cup still on her high chair. suddenly the enormity of what this grief would be hit in an jarring and distressing way. her life was everywhere...her little toothbrush. her favorite bath toy.  her sock left in the dryer. a dried drip of drool. a piece of paper she scribbled on for a moment, nothing fancy and easily discarded, instantly becomes precious.
it was long before steps were made to remove the things that made it hers. for weeks Ginger couldn't bring herself to wash the linens in Gwen's crib, her blankie and glowworm, her little tufts of hair. even her clothes, with their apple sauce stains and smells of sour milk. it took the imminent arrival of the twins to really make it happen. all her dresses in the closet...the new clothes bought because she was just starting to grow out of her old ones...
i'm still not sure what they ended up doing with them all. i have never felt the right time to ask.

these are a fraction of what these families are facing now. right now.

un. speakable.

it is...the worst of the worst night mares. and my heart is broken. 

This evening i met with a friend at peets to discuss wedding matters. Shortly before i left, i saw these two young girls. A big sister playing and cuddling with her little sister. They sat there in that stool, waiting for parents, no doubt,  talking and singing softly to each other, all the while the older girl making sure her little sister was secure, comfortable and happy. It was a display if sweetness and innocence in love and affection that was so desperately good for my heart. 


Lord Jesus, only You can save us here.

some things.

Well, lots of things. Lots of things all at once...

The twins have been diagnosed with RSV.

4 days to the wedding...and we were just informed that the place we were planning on living has been rented to someone else.

My dear friend and food coordinator, Searcy, has advanced pneumonia and told me in tears tonight that she probably won't even make it to the wedding.

It might rain on Sunday.

And i think i have a sinus infection!

those among many other "little' things. (work and finances included as well)
could i ask for prayer, please? i have not felt this overwhelmed in a long time. i know that God WILL provide, and a lot of this is Him just working out His very BEST for us.

i'm just a very scared human right now and i don't want to cry. with a sinus infection that would be really really gross.

thank you, if anyone reads this.

sighs

we need prayer for Ian today. i'm so distracted and overwhelmed by so many things in life right now...and this has wedged itself into the primary spot. Lord, please have mercy on their family and let this all resolve quickly, and let Ian not get sick any more so the family can enjoy their Christmas this year!

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I made a pie.

good practice, seeing as i'll be making a few more in 2 & 1/2 weeks!! SO SOON YOU GUYS.

i did something to my upper back this morning while making pie crust. i get the LAMEST injuries!! anyway i've been at work for 2 hours and it's so painful (not to mention my right arm is going numb) i think i'm just going to have to leave. maybe i'll go home and go to bed.... at 6. i would sigh but it hurts to inhale enough to get a good one out.

God has blessed me with some wonderful human interaction lately...through premarital counseling and fellowship with my sister, talks with new people, reconnecting with old friends through wedding planning (and wondering why i hadn't done so sooner), overall making me just a *little* less of a social coward than i was even a few months ago...and for that i am very grateful.

just wanted to acknowledge that life is actually pretty great...i'm just super stressed out.

love, me

31 days

One month til i get married...so much on my brain. so. much.

I am so ready for wedding planning to be alllll done! What i've found...? Inviting people to the wedding has been THE most STRESSFUL aspect of this whole event. i guess there's just no way to *not* offend people. i'll stop there for today!

Focusing on work is becoming almost impossible and my supervisor is noticing. I'd be surprised if he didn't since i'm not really turning in any work...much...at all....

Gwen died 3 years ago today, and i'm just feeling sad about it.
i've written all about it before so i won't belabor it now. i'm sure more occasions will present themselves.

Also looking for a place to live. Chad and i figure it might be nice to have our own apartment to live in once we're married. Call us crazy!

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE WEDDING IS ALL DONE!

sorry for yelling. i'm a little pent-up.

BAH!!

Ian hospitalized

Ian has been in the hospital (CHOC) since saturday. Initially it was because he ran a fever, and having had a BMT that means a 48-hour stay in the hospital, to make sure it's not an HLH flare-up.

But he has been worsening the past couple of days, and now has the beginnings of pneumonia in both of his lungs...i'm so worried...Ginger is so scared.

Head over to the blog to get updates...and please pray that he gets through this quickly...

things good and lovely

What to do...with so many gross and distressing things i can never un-know, and never un-see.
That's what praying and pinterest are for.

flowery rings

warm, rustic spaces

prettiest blue cheveux

and such sweetly presented truth.

Transplant Day +1

The transplant is done, and the boys are doing well. I can't believe it, almost...it's felt like so long in coming and it's here and gone. But now Ian's real fight begins...his body has to rebuild his entire immune system and absorb Caid's DNA.

If you haven't yet, please visit the blog and read up.
And please be praying for Ian in the coming weeks! These are the most vital.

i am so proud of these brave boys it almost hurts my heart.

transplant day -3

support the adams

tomorrow...

Ian goes into the hospital indefinitely to begin treatment in preparation for his bone marrow transplant. Read Ginger's write-up of their last appointment...here
A few pictures i took of Ian't last evening home...

reading a book with Dada

finding mama's eyes and mouth (quite accurately, as you see)

final family dinner

and last bath with the brother!

please pray for Ian's strength and health, and for the family in the coming weeks...

cough

Sick. Sick, sick, sick.

I'm really really ready to be well again. in the past week i've had to give up much-needed work... cancel dates with friends i haven't seen in days, weeks, and even months... bow out of helping Joey and Ginger when they need now it more than ever...
kind of feeling like a failure at life (immune system edition). mopey much? definitely yes, i am.

These things are all just also compounding on other areas of hurt in my heart lately...

I just really would like to be well again, Lord.

springy

Okay, so i admit i am *loving* the sunny breezy weather. Here's the thing--it's not HOT, like, i'm not sweaty and miserable, so yeah i love it.

I spent almost all day yesterday outside walking with my friend Cassandra, drinking lemonade, looking in some shops, and each of us sighing contentedly about every 5 minutes.

We ended up down at Peets where we got yummy coffee drinks and sat on the grass and drew and talked about grown-up and silly things like work, families, traveling, art, being almost 30, watching trashy shows on netflix...quality stuff. Also more contented sighing.

Cassandra drew trees...i drew my feet. Feet are hard to draw, but really fun when they come out looking even remotely like real feet. I really need to draw more.
Mom came and joined us a little later and we all lingered until the sun went down and it got pleasantly chilly.

Meanwhile, it's warm, humid and thunderstormy in N Carolina this weekend...so that'll be an interesting change of pace. Leaving tomorrow! Never been that far south-east before...so i'm excited :)

Still awfully plugged up. Praying for some relief before i get on the plane. Last time i flew with a cold my eardrums almost exploded. So...i'll be buying MucinexD at target today.

The boys are doing really well, not that i've seen them in over a week :( Ian went in for a swallow test today to see how he's doing after his poor little system was nearly destroyed after being intubated for weeks. Pray he passes so he can start drinking liquids again!
Still waiting for the go-ahead for the bone marrow transplant.

Alright. Lot's to do today...

waiting...

Still no word on HLA typing results for Caid. They said maybe tomorrow. Please say your prayers again tonight for Caid to be a match for Ian.   ~Ginger

support the adams 

Wren and i went to Phoenix and saw Ian this weekend...i'm tired. we only stayed for one night, but holding him far outweighed the time and energy spent.
i loved feeling his tiny hand hold my finger tightly as he slept. i hated seeing him so drugged, feeble, sick and sad. i loved seeing him smile for his mommy. i loved hearing Henry laugh when he saw us.
i hated to leave.

i drove out of Phoenix today with an aching heart and overwhelmed mind, and arrived in LA emotionally and mentally raw. thrown straight back into the tumult of life in my family, it's only within the last hour or two that i've really realized how frayed i am...thoughtless, short-tempered, distracted...and finally crying in the bathroom like a baby. i'm finding myself sorrowful and grieved.
God's going to make this all okay, but right now my mind and heart just aren't handling everything very well.

i miss Ian and Henry and the rest of the family already, and i can't ask you enough to keep praying for our little precious boy...

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