bye and bye, grandpa...

December 3, 1924 - September 8, 2013

My grandpa Floyd went to be with Jesus this afternoon. Surrounded by 3 of his children, 2 of his grandchildren, and a son and daughter-in-law.

What a strange thing it is, to watch someone take their last shuddering breath in this world...

he's never run through an airport for me...

a sweet and simple read: when you think your love story is boring.

not my might

"Quit praying about yourself and be spent for others as the bondservant of Jesus.

That is the meaning of being made broken bread and poured out wine in reality."

           ~ Oswald Chambers, 
              My Utmost For His Highest

This was so convicting to me after the last week i've had, which,  in short, has been one of extreme focus on my self. on my failures, on my fears, on my grief.

Not entirely my fault, as a lot of it was the result of extreme anxiety attacks, which were not helped by physical sickness and changes in my medications. :\

But nevertheless, as the enemy knows and loves, my panic, as it always does, drove my focus on me, me, me... and it was only when i shifted that focus onto others--while also ignoring the need to analyze how i was coming across--that relief was had.

And then this morning Chad and i read the above exhortation in today's devotion.
"Am i doing anything to enable Him to bring His redemption into actual manifestation in other lives?"

May i find the balance in taking care of my mind, and serving others as i am meant to. May i not be a slave to fear, but a slave to God's perfect love. May i be joyful in His hope, and therefore a source of His sweet joy...

~~~

My friend Searcy is very, very sick.

Searcy is my dear friend Pip's wonderful sister...who over the years has becom a dear friend to me as well. She has beed plagued and almost killed by this medical mystery for so, so, long now..

She posted this on facebook from the hospital yesterday... 

"Well-I'm back here again. Prayers needed please for complete healing and wisdom for the doctors."

This lovely lady's spirit, wit, honesty and steadfastness over the long, painful course of this illness has been a constant source of hope, humbling and inspiration to so many, as she has done her best to keep people current with the twists and turns and praises and heartaches
For example, a few days ago she posted this...

"Wanna hear about miracles?! The majority of my medical debt from this illness just went from $94k to $1738.16. The reason given on the bill?! "Hardship". God moved mountains on my behalf. PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

then today...

"Prayer needed please: All my veins are blown so I'm getting a PICC line today also in prep for tomorrows surgery. Last time there was a complication in inserting the PICC and it shocked my heart painfully. Please pray for peace, protection, agility of hand, and increased trust in our Lord. ❤"

Tonight i sent her an email containing June 25th (today's) devotion from "My Utmost..."...and it so encouraged and quickened my spirit i thought i'd post it here as well...it almost made me cry. seriously...God is so wonderful, and so dear...

hello, conviction.

"Where there is no vision, the people cast off restraint." Proverbs 29:18

Today's "My Utmost" kind of...well...stabbed me right in the gut, to be so graphic!

"There is a difference between an ideal and a vision. An ideal has no moral inspiration; a vision has. The people who give themselves over to ideals rarely do anything. 

A man's conception of Deity may be used to justify his deliberate neglect of his duty. Jonah argued that because God was a God of justice and of mercy, therefore everything would be all right. 

I may have a right conception of God, and that may be the very reason why I do not do my duty. 

But wherever there is vision, there is also a life of rectitude because the vision imparts moral incentive. Ideals may lull to ruin. Take stock of yourself spiritually and see whether you have ideals only or if you have vision."

~Oswald Chambers, My Utmost for His Highest, May 9th

How much of my life, my goals, my yearnings, are based solely in ideal? 

How much of my walk and duty to God have i unknowingly justified in neglecting...even in the light of having a right conception of Him?

"Are we expecting God to do greater things than He has ever done?"

yesterday.

Yesterday was Easter :)

My sister asked if i wanted to go to Church with her and Alec, Reality LA's Easter service at the Hollywood Palladium. With the ups & downs of the past couple of weeks i was feeling unequipped in nearly every way to deal with hoards of people, loud noises, a long drive into a crowded and broken city. 

But every time i attend Reality's services i am SO blessed...so encouraged...by their desire for the glorification of Jesus and restoration in the city of LA. 

So i said i would go, and i did!

11am saw us walking down Sunset Blvd in a throng of people. Friends meeting up as we went, lots of smiling, greeting, happiness. I saw a hip young guy talking to a man sitting at the bus stop, as we passed i heard the young guy ask: "You got anywhere to go this morning, man?" "No, actually," bus-stop man replied. "Well, you're welcome to come join us this morning if you want!" said hip young guy. We were well past them at this point and i didn't hear the rest of the conversation. But i smiled.

Then we were filing into the building, surrounded by young people. Reality LA has a reputation as being a "young, cool, hipster" church...there are a lot of those kinds of people, it's true...but more and more it's growing into the city, and every time i go there the diversity of attendees increases, and it's encouraging. 

Milling around us were young people, old people, families, every race and color and walk in life, people in wheelchairs, people in their sunday best, people in their weekday coolest.

Then came worship, celebration of the victory of the resurrection, a choir singing praises in harmony. I appreciate Reality's approach to this, as i am not a fan of the "concert-style" worship in many churches...i feel like it pulls the attention away from the content and onto the people preforming in front of you, often seeming to show off how good they are at worship (whatever that means...i think you understand).
Reality has a band, but they remain cloaked in shadow. The only light on "stage" is a dim blue so they can see what their playing. I often forget they are there al all. Your focus is on the words glowing on the screen, all you hear are the voices of the singers, and there is no judgement on how you choose to worship.
Hundreds expressed thanks in their many different ways...some people seated quietly, eyes closed, rocking, just listening, some with hands outstretched, while others were on their knees, holding the bread dipped in wine.

I stood, and sang quietly. Looking at the words, or looking at the people around me. I usually sing pretty loud, because i like to sing, but every time i went above speaking volume i began to cry. So mostly i just whispered the words, or mouthed them...my arms wrapped around me...not able to let any sound out at all. I was overwhelmed with emotion, with so much burdening my heart, so many people heavy on my mind. Oh, God, the hurt and misunderstanding everywhere...I tried to pray, but my mind was a jumble.

In spite of my heaviness i did appreciate the time... all of it. The sweetness of the words, the genuine joy around me. Tim's message was your good, solid Easter message...the gospel. But not coated in saccharine sweetness, rather it was heavy and meaty with truth and importance. The importance of today, of not wasting a single day in fear and dread of suffering, of death, and of the pain of life. In fact, if you have 45 minutes or so, you should go listen to it...

Afterwards there were baptisms. Dozens of Baptisms...right there on Sunset Boulevard. Many had signed up ahead of time, and many decided to do it right then and there, as they gave their lives to Jesus. So with cars driving past, people walking by, the sky drizzling down, the men and women doing the baptizing climbed into the pools in full Sunday-dress...as did many who were immersed. Some people cheered as they came up, some wept with joy, some simply hugged the man and woman who baptized them. And sweetness filled the cold misty air.

A friend of mine named Carmen, who is dating a young man I've known all my life, Dave Meyers was baptized that morning... here is a picture of that (with Dave smiling behind her).

i love, love this picture.

Lots of friends said hello, I saw Pip, Ian, Shelvy and others. They asked if i wanted to come to an Easter brunch at Brad & Ashley's (Ashley, incidentally, is the girl on the left baptizing Carmen). But by this time, i was done. I mean...i was completely, utterly drained. I couldn't track conversations, i couldn't look anyone in the eye, i was shaking (not just from the cold), i was dizzy, my vision was a blur. Too much. I was just...done. I told them i had to get home...to...get stuff done...

Alec and Sarah asked if i wanted to go to lunch. No, i needed to get home...i felt like i was about to implode.

As i sat in the backseat i tried to breathe and relax...
my whole body ached as if i'd just run for hours, my head felt like a balloon, my heart kept skipping beats, and tears kept leaking from my eyes completely without my consent. 

There was joy in me somewhere... there had to be. I had just experienced a wonderful and God-glorifying morning! What is wrong with me? 

I felt broken and idiotic and discouraged beyond explanation. The most pitiful, dysfunctional and useless of Christians. 

I even skipped most of Easter with my family. Chad was home sick, and i used that as an excuse to only have time to stay for a little while then leave to bring him dinner.

little succulent orphans i brought home with me

I did take a walk with my sister, which was a sweet and healing thing. We looked at all the different blooming desert plants in the neighborhood, and rescued little pieces that had fallen off, taking them back with us to plant at home. 

It was soon after that i went home, and all but collapsed into my husband's arms with such depression and disappointment in myself i could hardly breathe.  Maybe if it hadn't been the 3rd or 4th time i had done so that week it wouldn't have been so devastating...but as it was, i was just exhausted.
i cried and tried to explain what was happening but my lack of ability to verbalize my thoughts sufficiently just frustrated me. (which is why most of the time i just don't talk at all...the fear of expressing myself insufficiently often outweighs the need to allow someone else to help me bear my burden. SO LAME.) 

Not even a month ago, he would have been distressed right along with me, trying to get me to talk, getting mad, getting frustrated, needing to fix me, needing to fix something, anything!
But events in the past week have developed a new understanding in him, and in me. On his end, that all he needs to do is be. Just be there. Speak softly, and speak truth. And that is just what he did. 

This morning we read today's My Utmost for His Highest, and it, too, did a healing work in me. For, aside from my over thinking, panic and social anxiety, i realize i was also feeling overwhelmed with grief for those in my life, in my family, who are lost. I knew that, as i stood in the auditorium, processing everything, but i don't think i realized the degree to which i had allowed it to paralyze me with hopelessness. That's right: hopelessness!! On EASTER!! 

Anyway, so this is what Chad read aloud this morning:

When he finished, i simultaneously wanted to jump up in celebration and thankfulness of being so directly spoken to by God, but also kick myself in the head at my weakness to fall into such an obvious trap: 

"Beware of getting ahead of God by your very desire to do His will. We run ahead of Him in a thousand and one activities, becoming so burdened with people and problems that we don’t worship God, and we fail to [be able] intercede." 

The "be able" is my addition, obviously. But that's...exactly...what happened. 
Like being diagnosed with cyclothymic bipolar disorder, simply putting words to something--knowing it had a name, a reason, an explainable existence-- was like dropping a weight from my arms. 

I don't mean to end abruptly...but i just ran out of words! I suppose that's the gist of what i'm thinking about today...i'm not sure if it's properly arranged or coherent, but there it is. I'll probably read this later and say "holy crap i wrote way too much..." 

Just...stop getting ahead of God. Stop deciding it's too much before you even know what He's really doing. He is pretty good at getting these things done. (that was for me, by the way. unless it was also for you, too.)

Here's the little succulents planted in their new little houses:

ruby jewel for gwennie

Today i finally got something i've been hoping for for a long time...a ruby ring in memory of Gwen.

I've been on the lookout for one for about 3 years now...something sweet and one-of-a-kind. Something simple, understated and elegant...something that reminded me of her. 
I thought i had found one more than once.... particularly last year on Etsy. Sadly, the lovely little antique ring i ordered from a woman in Germany (click the link to visit her shop) got lost in the mail...never even made it out of Europe. Pippa (the woman's name) was so dear...she refunded my payment, and even offered to keep looking, as i had told her what the ring was for. I think it broke her heart a little bit, and we exchanged some very thoughtful messages about many things.
I occasionally continued searching on Etsy, ebay, through antique shops, on overstock sites, etc. once a month or so. But nothing "clicked".

grandma mary-jane's necklace

Back in november i went to a place called Anton's Jewelry Shop in Burbank, a tiny business run by a couple of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet, to have my grandma's antique necklace fixed for the wedding, and did a spectacular job. 

When i went back to pick it up, i told Steve i've been looking high and low for a ring like i described above, and asked if he had anything like it. 

Steve thought for a second, then brought out a box of lovely, thin solid gold bands set with sapphires that he had made himself 30 years ago that he just had "sitting in the back". 

They were so sweet and perfect my throat caught in excitement. He then found me a couple of teeny tiny rubies, told me which were of higher quality, etc...and long story short, he offered me an amazing deal on the little ruby ring of my dreams. I told him, at the time, with wedding expenses and everything, i couldn't afford even an extra $80 of anything...so i would try to come back another time in the future if i still felt like it was the ring for me. "No problem," he said. "These aren't goin' anywhere, i hardly ever take them out."

Yesterday i went by the shop and visited with Steve, and asked to see his little sapphire rings. He brought them out. Then he brought out the rubies, told me which were the most valuable/highest quality (the most "expensive" being $12 as opposed to $5, for instance, which....DUH i'm getting the best one!) So i picked the band that fitted best, and picked ruby i picked the one i wanted. He told me he's try to have it ready early next week, as the setting is so small and fragile he'll have to do it with extra care. I told him noooooooo problem!! I can wait a few more days!

5 hours later he called me and told me it was ready. Ha! But i was at work, so i told him i'd have to come by the next day. 

Well, as you see, this afternoon i got it. And adore it! 

I love that i waited until i found what felt particularly special. Particularly unique, and made with care. I love that i got it on Good Friday. 

Best part of all? It reminds me of her. 

It will always make me think of Gwen's preciousness, God's goodness in the littlest blessings, and Christ's sacrifice. How could such a tiny thing hold more sweetness than that? ~~

(Yesterday i wrote a Yelp review for Anton's Jewelry Shop. They've got some BEAUTIFUL jewelry there, rings, brooches, necklaces--new and antique--and i highly recommend going by their shop if you're looking for something special...big or small.)

i sat in the dark of the room, my arms wrapped around his tiny form, trying best i could to calm him.
the first try of putting ian & henry to bed hadn't gone very smoothly :[
sometimes the chaos of being a sick baby twin causes tears for the sake of tears...a little mind is so tired and distressed it can't calm down enough to sleep...!

while ginger consoled henry (who was screaming because he banged his head on the wall) i sat with ian and rocked him. he was so exhausted it only took a few minutes before he was still and sound.

his body relaxed against me, his head heavy on my shoulder. his little hand stroked my arm sleepily, and i listened to him breathe.

and once again, as it has so many times now, i was grateful that he was there to hold...to cradle, and rock and comfort and love with all my heart. because he almost wasn't.

and again i thought of gwen, that she was just this age when she died, and the mystery of the loss of her life that saved ian's.

i held him as close as is humanly possible, and gave thanks for him. even in the dark i closed my eyes...

thank you, Lord God, for saving him for us! keep him safe as we go on...

no mistakes

Read this post on a friend's blog, whose family is experiencing their own painful trial of waiting on God. Her words, and the blog she linked to, kept me up half the night...sobered in sad thoughtfulness. I left this comment on Jamie's post, and thought i'd post it here as well.

Ended up looking over almost the entire blog about Tripp, thinking about him, the preciousness of his existence, the testimony of Courtney, and how we have the hope of knowing there is no wasted life. Baby Tripp had a very specific purpose, though the eyes of the rest of the world may have seen his life as simply unnecessary. 
The suffering and death of babies has to be so agonizing to the Lord...even more so than for me, for us (though my human mind can't even comprehend it). And from that perspective i have to know that there's an infinitely greater eternal work happening.
I don't know. I'm also realizing that it's not my job to figure this all out but just to trust that somehow it is good, and that He makes all things beautiful.


Just so you know, Tripp died on the 14th, just a few days ago, his memorial was yesterday. He is free and whole...how marvelous, how wonderful.

And the Lord loves Ian...and He doesn't make mistakes.

be still

I am learning that i'll just never know the reasons why things are allowed...i must somehow content my self that God does. And that He has promised His allowance of all things in His love. Last week our dear friends Kent and Nicole had to watch their newborn baby boy Everett suddenly succumb to seizures and could be facing permanent mental and physical damage from a blood clot in his brain.

They wrote this in a recent their email update:

just things

Ian is doing a lot better :) thank you for prayers...they worked. Now waiting to find out what exactly is going on in his little system.

Gwen's 3rd birthday was on Saturday...lots of wondering and pondering of sadness and God's purposes.

On Monday i start my new job on The Ricky Gervais Show.

Yesterday we had a great 4th of July at my mom and dad's...the twins were a hit, as usual. There was an epic photoshoot with them and Caid...i'll later post some of the hilights.

Trying to keep my mind on things good and pure...and to have a perspective of the eternal.

chris died last night, just a few hours after we went to see him.
so bittersweet, so wonderful, so sad.

i don't really know what else to say

another goodbye

tonight my family went to chris's house to sing to him, and he was nearly gone. labored, rattling breaths, unseeing eyes...unable to talk, unable to control his jerky movements.
but he knew we were there...he even tried to join a few times, which came out only as forced moans and cries. his other friends and his doctor sat near him, their hands on him.
and as all 10 of us crowded around to sing hushed hymns to our dear dying friend i felt like one of the most blessed people in the world to be there...

it's been a while since i've cried at the side of someone's deathbed.

 Jesus, thank you that the next time i see him he will be whole and beautiful in eternity...

our days are like grass

tonight we found out a dear family friend suddenly has between 3 days and 3 weeks to live.

chris has become so precious to us in such a relatively short amount of time that his imminent death really hasn't registered.

i feel like the Lord just gave him to us...we barely even got to experience what i have seen of his deep, overflowing, genuine, joyous and almost childlike fervor and passion for God, His word and His people.

later, chad mused bittersweetly as we drove back to my apartment: "i can't picture anyone more happy to sit at the feet of Jesus."

awe

in flagstaff you can see the milky way.

the finest glitter spilled across the blackest sky.

it feels like--until now,  i've never really seen stars before.

us

today i am feeling simply enamored with humanity...all its strangeness, loveliness, awkwardness, hilarity and infinite diversity. all i can do is think of how amazing God must be to create such character and beauty and ever-emerging uniqueness. people. each a small, specific expression of Him...in spite of our fallen nature...how GLORIOUS eternity will be!!

~

i get to see Gwennie again someday...
and my grandma...
and my brother.

ember

here glows the long, slow burn of grief and loss
now, tomorrow
until the water of sweet passing

memorial for gwennie tomorrow at 11...lunch afterwards at my parent's.
for details e-mail me:

colleenpolice@gmail.com

"For with You is the fountain of life;
In Your light we see light."

Psalm 36:9

hope

Look among the nations and
watch--
Be utterly astounded!
For I will work a work in your
days
Which you would not believe,
though it were told to you.

Habakkuk 1:5