an...idea

i think i have a semi-interesting-maybe-exciting-and-workable idea for a series of paintings.

lemme tell ya...it's been a while since i've had a semi-interesting-maybe-exciting idea. and i'm putting it out there, in writing, to make it SO.

now to overcome the fear-of-failure-crippling-anxiety-mental-monster-of-lameness. 

"arrrgh you're gonna make nothing but crap!!"

also, i need to buy a bunch of new paints. 

so, ask me about it when you see me, would you? keep me on task? thanks. you're the best! :)

schmoozing. i does it not at all well. at all.

call it what you want...schmoozing, networking, selling yourself, putting-it-out-there...

i just...i can't.

i'm quite suddenly facing my last week at my job, and that means i'm doing one of the things i hate most in the whole world...trying to convince people that i'm this awesome, competent, desirable person that they want--they need to have!

my biggest motivation isn't money...it's that if i don't have more work after this it will 99% be my own fault for being an insecure coward. what. come, on colleen.

the one nice thing is that in this industry, part of the process is simply shoving my portfolio at someone and letting that do the work.
...but the initial shopping myself around and making calls and interviewing and rubbing elbows and politics and "me, me, me!!" i'm awkward, i get either too giggly/loud or too quiet/demure and all the while i'm aware of it and spinning in circles in my brain...!

ulg.

this is why i never dated.

sighs

we need prayer for Ian today. i'm so distracted and overwhelmed by so many things in life right now...and this has wedged itself into the primary spot. Lord, please have mercy on their family and let this all resolve quickly, and let Ian not get sick any more so the family can enjoy their Christmas this year!

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I made a pie.

good practice, seeing as i'll be making a few more in 2 & 1/2 weeks!! SO SOON YOU GUYS.

i did something to my upper back this morning while making pie crust. i get the LAMEST injuries!! anyway i've been at work for 2 hours and it's so painful (not to mention my right arm is going numb) i think i'm just going to have to leave. maybe i'll go home and go to bed.... at 6. i would sigh but it hurts to inhale enough to get a good one out.

God has blessed me with some wonderful human interaction lately...through premarital counseling and fellowship with my sister, talks with new people, reconnecting with old friends through wedding planning (and wondering why i hadn't done so sooner), overall making me just a *little* less of a social coward than i was even a few months ago...and for that i am very grateful.

just wanted to acknowledge that life is actually pretty great...i'm just super stressed out.

love, me

"disappearing" into motherhood

“The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. ” ~cs lewis

There is a woman somewhere in southern california who just wrote a book. She is passionate, giving, opinionated, creative, silly, and wonderfully dysfunctional. Her name is Elizabeth, and she is the married mother of 5 children. 

yaay my drawing!

I got to know Elizabeth about 5 years ago when she commissioned me to do a drawing of her children when her twin daughters were just babies. 
I began to read her Blog. In this way i (and hundreds of others) have followed her thoughts and experiences as she has come to terms with spiritual abuse from her church and its overwhelming effect on her life (to put it short and simply). Also her daily musings on everything from  raising a family to exercising, struggles with religion to ADD medication! And no matter how my views meshed or clashed with hers, i have always appreciated what she has to say, and the heart she puts behind it. 

elizabeth with one of her now
5-year-old twin daughters

She has the heart of someone who yearns to love fully and to be faithful to Christ...and how to do that in light of the deeply ingrained spiritual battle constantly wagon inside of her. She is conservative in many views, and open about others...she also proclaims herself a feminist...in the way of what true feminism should be, and i believe, for a short time, once was: the belief that women are no less than men, are no less functional or productive, and should not have to suffer inconsistencies based on their gender...but while still acknowledging that men and some do have differing roles in this world. That's the way God designed it.

She wrote a post a few days ago advocating stay-at-home motherhood...and it resonated so deeply for me. To nurture and raise a family is one of the desires of my heart...and my heart breaks when i think of how many people...how many people look on choosing such a role akin to choosing a life less fully lived. 

Quote from Elizabeth's post:

"84% of women WANT to stay home with their children. Most women WANT to raise their own children. Most women do NOT see it as a 'sacrifice' of female identity to throw themselves wholeheartedly into raising their babies."

And read the post for yourself...

"why disappearing into motherhood is not a betrayal of feminism"

~clln

end note: i'm of course not saying that those who are not mothers with children or have chosen to work while having children are somehow bereft, or wrong. i'm just addressing the ideas surrounding those that have made this choice. no judgement, no exclusions...i hope that's clear to anyone who reads this silly little blog of mine :)

sheesh

there's something wrong with my body. why does everything hurt?? and why does there not seem to be enough circulation to my head?
maybe i've been worrying too much. or cleaning too much.

paralytic

sometimes there's just no beating around brokenness

i'm achy, scared and i want to cry

being damaged inside is horrible.

a few things.

know what's strange? throwing a wedding shower for one of your dearest friends you've known since you were 5.
i think i've written about this before...ah, yes i have!

want to laugh? smile? or maybe just feel better about humanity? GO HERE.

also: a video i took at coachella of beach house singing one of my favorite songs :)

oh, uh...(checks)...and yeah...still awkward.

swing

some days i feel up for facing anything. some days i can hardly move out of plain numb fear. sometimes this varies by hour...or even by minute...and there are no consistent triggers.

it's extremely frustrating and, honestly, real inconvenient.

dear greenpeace,

it does not make me want to talk to you any more urgently when you call me apathetic as i walk past you in old town because i don't have time to stand and argue with you as to why i would rather put my money towards feeding starving children as opposed to saving the polar bears.

thank you