forget the soul mate?

Enjoyed this simple, thoughtful post today. It made me smile, nod thoughtfully, and say "hm". All acceptable criteria for a repost, i think...

How I Know My Wife Married the "Wrong" Person

just to clarify...i liked it not because i see Chad in it, but because i see both of us in it. I see me in it. 

...i see a lot of what i had to learn for myself to get to a place in my life where i was ready to lay a lot of preconceptions down.

i think it's a worthwhile read. maybe you'll like it, too (:

this life

Yesterday...

...just one of those "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL" kind of days.

My heart broke...again...(for, what, the 4th time in just the past year or so?) for the lives of so many that were literally blown apart.

I just can't even imagine having been in Boston yesterday...especially those who lost a limb or a loved one. The reality and scope of these acts of horrendous violence are beyond me. My mind can. not. understand them.
Whenever i feel like i've been desensitized by movies & tv, something like this--or Newtown/Sandy Hook, or Aroura, or 9/11--remind me very quickly and painfully that i definitely have not.

In that same hour, one of my oldest and dearest friends sent me a beautiful surprise: a picture of her just born baby girl...nestled on her chest...tiny, black-haired, eyes wide with brand-new sight. I'd known it could be any day now, but it was the last thing i expected at that point! My heart mended just enough... enough to finish the work i needed to do.

Over the weekend a hummingbird built a teeny tiny nest right outside our living room.

it's about as big as a teaspoon

took this picture this morning from the window, she totally
saw me spying on her.

It scares me how precious and fragile it is...that there is so much working against its survival...but isn't every day like that? Every day of our lives?

This world is often a horrendous place...but there is still room for miracles. Like a perfect little human being pulled from the womb of a woman who has struggled through so much of her life, but God has held her, blessed her, kept her. And here she is now, a mother. A mother!

Lives ended, lives begun. Mystery. Grief. Joy.

peace? yes, even peace...

yesterday.

Yesterday was Easter :)

My sister asked if i wanted to go to Church with her and Alec, Reality LA's Easter service at the Hollywood Palladium. With the ups & downs of the past couple of weeks i was feeling unequipped in nearly every way to deal with hoards of people, loud noises, a long drive into a crowded and broken city. 

But every time i attend Reality's services i am SO blessed...so encouraged...by their desire for the glorification of Jesus and restoration in the city of LA. 

So i said i would go, and i did!

11am saw us walking down Sunset Blvd in a throng of people. Friends meeting up as we went, lots of smiling, greeting, happiness. I saw a hip young guy talking to a man sitting at the bus stop, as we passed i heard the young guy ask: "You got anywhere to go this morning, man?" "No, actually," bus-stop man replied. "Well, you're welcome to come join us this morning if you want!" said hip young guy. We were well past them at this point and i didn't hear the rest of the conversation. But i smiled.

Then we were filing into the building, surrounded by young people. Reality LA has a reputation as being a "young, cool, hipster" church...there are a lot of those kinds of people, it's true...but more and more it's growing into the city, and every time i go there the diversity of attendees increases, and it's encouraging. 

Milling around us were young people, old people, families, every race and color and walk in life, people in wheelchairs, people in their sunday best, people in their weekday coolest.

Then came worship, celebration of the victory of the resurrection, a choir singing praises in harmony. I appreciate Reality's approach to this, as i am not a fan of the "concert-style" worship in many churches...i feel like it pulls the attention away from the content and onto the people preforming in front of you, often seeming to show off how good they are at worship (whatever that means...i think you understand).
Reality has a band, but they remain cloaked in shadow. The only light on "stage" is a dim blue so they can see what their playing. I often forget they are there al all. Your focus is on the words glowing on the screen, all you hear are the voices of the singers, and there is no judgement on how you choose to worship.
Hundreds expressed thanks in their many different ways...some people seated quietly, eyes closed, rocking, just listening, some with hands outstretched, while others were on their knees, holding the bread dipped in wine.

I stood, and sang quietly. Looking at the words, or looking at the people around me. I usually sing pretty loud, because i like to sing, but every time i went above speaking volume i began to cry. So mostly i just whispered the words, or mouthed them...my arms wrapped around me...not able to let any sound out at all. I was overwhelmed with emotion, with so much burdening my heart, so many people heavy on my mind. Oh, God, the hurt and misunderstanding everywhere...I tried to pray, but my mind was a jumble.

In spite of my heaviness i did appreciate the time... all of it. The sweetness of the words, the genuine joy around me. Tim's message was your good, solid Easter message...the gospel. But not coated in saccharine sweetness, rather it was heavy and meaty with truth and importance. The importance of today, of not wasting a single day in fear and dread of suffering, of death, and of the pain of life. In fact, if you have 45 minutes or so, you should go listen to it...

Afterwards there were baptisms. Dozens of Baptisms...right there on Sunset Boulevard. Many had signed up ahead of time, and many decided to do it right then and there, as they gave their lives to Jesus. So with cars driving past, people walking by, the sky drizzling down, the men and women doing the baptizing climbed into the pools in full Sunday-dress...as did many who were immersed. Some people cheered as they came up, some wept with joy, some simply hugged the man and woman who baptized them. And sweetness filled the cold misty air.

A friend of mine named Carmen, who is dating a young man I've known all my life, Dave Meyers was baptized that morning... here is a picture of that (with Dave smiling behind her).

i love, love this picture.

Lots of friends said hello, I saw Pip, Ian, Shelvy and others. They asked if i wanted to come to an Easter brunch at Brad & Ashley's (Ashley, incidentally, is the girl on the left baptizing Carmen). But by this time, i was done. I mean...i was completely, utterly drained. I couldn't track conversations, i couldn't look anyone in the eye, i was shaking (not just from the cold), i was dizzy, my vision was a blur. Too much. I was just...done. I told them i had to get home...to...get stuff done...

Alec and Sarah asked if i wanted to go to lunch. No, i needed to get home...i felt like i was about to implode.

As i sat in the backseat i tried to breathe and relax...
my whole body ached as if i'd just run for hours, my head felt like a balloon, my heart kept skipping beats, and tears kept leaking from my eyes completely without my consent. 

There was joy in me somewhere... there had to be. I had just experienced a wonderful and God-glorifying morning! What is wrong with me? 

I felt broken and idiotic and discouraged beyond explanation. The most pitiful, dysfunctional and useless of Christians. 

I even skipped most of Easter with my family. Chad was home sick, and i used that as an excuse to only have time to stay for a little while then leave to bring him dinner.

little succulent orphans i brought home with me

I did take a walk with my sister, which was a sweet and healing thing. We looked at all the different blooming desert plants in the neighborhood, and rescued little pieces that had fallen off, taking them back with us to plant at home. 

It was soon after that i went home, and all but collapsed into my husband's arms with such depression and disappointment in myself i could hardly breathe.  Maybe if it hadn't been the 3rd or 4th time i had done so that week it wouldn't have been so devastating...but as it was, i was just exhausted.
i cried and tried to explain what was happening but my lack of ability to verbalize my thoughts sufficiently just frustrated me. (which is why most of the time i just don't talk at all...the fear of expressing myself insufficiently often outweighs the need to allow someone else to help me bear my burden. SO LAME.) 

Not even a month ago, he would have been distressed right along with me, trying to get me to talk, getting mad, getting frustrated, needing to fix me, needing to fix something, anything!
But events in the past week have developed a new understanding in him, and in me. On his end, that all he needs to do is be. Just be there. Speak softly, and speak truth. And that is just what he did. 

This morning we read today's My Utmost for His Highest, and it, too, did a healing work in me. For, aside from my over thinking, panic and social anxiety, i realize i was also feeling overwhelmed with grief for those in my life, in my family, who are lost. I knew that, as i stood in the auditorium, processing everything, but i don't think i realized the degree to which i had allowed it to paralyze me with hopelessness. That's right: hopelessness!! On EASTER!! 

Anyway, so this is what Chad read aloud this morning:

When he finished, i simultaneously wanted to jump up in celebration and thankfulness of being so directly spoken to by God, but also kick myself in the head at my weakness to fall into such an obvious trap: 

"Beware of getting ahead of God by your very desire to do His will. We run ahead of Him in a thousand and one activities, becoming so burdened with people and problems that we don’t worship God, and we fail to [be able] intercede." 

The "be able" is my addition, obviously. But that's...exactly...what happened. 
Like being diagnosed with cyclothymic bipolar disorder, simply putting words to something--knowing it had a name, a reason, an explainable existence-- was like dropping a weight from my arms. 

I don't mean to end abruptly...but i just ran out of words! I suppose that's the gist of what i'm thinking about today...i'm not sure if it's properly arranged or coherent, but there it is. I'll probably read this later and say "holy crap i wrote way too much..." 

Just...stop getting ahead of God. Stop deciding it's too much before you even know what He's really doing. He is pretty good at getting these things done. (that was for me, by the way. unless it was also for you, too.)

Here's the little succulents planted in their new little houses:

i need a week...

a good long week

to sit and think...

of things i like

and want to make

not because everyone else does...

but just because i do.

sighs for today's sunshine!

And today i'm just...fine! There's a lingering of melancholy somewhere there in my heart...but being at work and not outside? is okay. sitting in front of the computer? okay. the piece i was working on yesterday that was killing me? today it's kinda fun.

Maybe it's cause i got to spend a little time with Chad this morning, or even that it's just a little hotter than yesterday so i don't mind not being outside because i'm a HUGE baby when it comes to heat!

Maybe it's cause my cousin sent me this picture from our wedding...

Maybe cause my mom-in-law texted me that a group had been praying for Chad and me last night. I'm sure that might have something to do with it...

But really there is nothing much different today than it was yesterday, and it feels like yesterday was so long ago. 

Oh, fragile, strange, so easily-wounded mind...

will i ever comprehend you?

sighs for long ago sunshine...

Today is a beautiful day. It's not cold, it's not hot. I left my desk to answer my phone and went outside to an afternoon that begged to be rejoiced in...

Today is one of those days that i wish i was 11 years old...in the sense that i am yearning to run around my grandparents' backyard with my little sister and play pretend. Go swimming...then sun ourselves on towels spread on the grass. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while the cool breeze lifts our damp hair around our faces. Make crowns out of clover blossoms. Doze off to the lullaby of soft rustling leaves in the trees, the buzzing of bees, you can almost hear the clouds moving through the cerulean sky. The sounds of a fast-approaching summer. 

But i'm not 11...i'm 30. How did that happen??
I'll never run around my grandparents' backyard and play pretend again. I'll play pretend with my own children one day...but my grandparents' house is gone. We had to sell it 2 years ago.
My mind is heavy with the weight of now. Of being a grown-up...of things like aging parents, being laid-off last week, helping and encouraging a tired husband. Not to mention all the hurt and suffering those around me are experiencing...!

But how wonderful to have memories of those days to think back on and be grateful for. I'm so glad we had that house. I'm so glad the Adams got to bring their babies there. I'm so glad I had a job to support Chad and me these past months, and i know the Lord will bring another along. Chad and i knew this first year of marriage would be hard, with him being in school and working, and me in this industry that i feel i have no place in...but for some reason God has me here. And at least we get to see each other every day...even if it's just for a few hours in the morning or evening.

I guess more than anything i just wish i could go play outside in the sunshine with my sister. in bare feet. in our little girl bodies. with no bigger concern than making sure we didn't get peanut butter and jelly in our hair.

true

the secret mind palace

every so often, there comes the comfort that--to put it simply--just because you don't process and function they way everyone around you seems to, it doesn't mean you're broken.

i read this today, and usually these self-discovery/affirmation-type lists rub me the wrong way, even if i identify with  them.

but because this one hits at the Christian aspect of my life--that being, the most important and also the most personal and fragile part--and reflects me so clearly, it almost brought me to tears. the things i have always struggled with, and as a result feel like i'm not a successful christian. it's like someone looked into my walk and experiences and wrote this just for me (except maybe for the first sentence) one of those: "i know a lot of people think that this applies to THEM most, but if they only understood, they's see that it actually applies to ME more than anyone!!" ha.
tis bittersweet.

ways to handle a christian introvert

sometimes

you just need to allow yourself to feel things.

how.

how do you spend sweet time, cherish, and yet prepare peacefully (as possible) in faith for the coming death of your baby girl?

like this family...Madeleine.

25 days: musings

liquid amber carpet

i had to buy 3 new long-sleeved shirts. It has been consistently not-hot for a little while now, and i realized how ill-prepared i was for it. (not that i wasn't super happy to go out and buy a few things to wear!)

i can without a doubt say that time flies no faster than when you are counting down the last days til your wedding. in 3 and 1/2 weeks i'm getting married. it seemed so far away at the beginning of the year, and it has gone by. so. fast.
i'm finding myself scrambling with little things (and a few big things) that i feel like, just yesterday, i had months ahead of me to take care of. Note to all who may benefit: *one's previously quirky and sometimes delightful penchant for procrastinating is not a boon to wedding planning*

Chad and i are still looking for a place to live. We're not exactly worried, we know that God will have us where He will, but it doesn't mean we're not anxiously scanning rental sites and driving up and down streets of surrounding cities. We've actually narrowed down some promising leads as of yesterday, so that's exciting!

We've been doing some premarital counseling with Bob, the man who is marrying us. (He watched us both grow up, my sister was the maid of honor in his daughter's wedding, and his son and i went to school together from pre-k through high school.) Aside from being a sweet and new way to get to know Bob--the goofy 60-something that likes to surf around the world and used to let me jump off of the top of bookshelves into his arms when i was 3--it's given Chad and me some good perspective, important issues to consider, and things to closely examine in ourselves. Which is probably more of the point (:

With my sister, Sarah, and her husband, we've been going through a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, and that has been wonderful. God is amazing. His word is not obsolete. It means and applies to our lives just as much now as it ever has.

Chad and i are slowly preparing for the merging of our two very separate lives into one. From our possessions to our souls. From our bank accounts to our bodies. It's overwhelming. amazing. unreal. and yet...one of the most starkly real things i will ever do. 

It has been humbling, difficult and often painful. Also i'm seeing what an amazing man i have been blessed with...along with becoming more aware of his flaws, i'm also seeing more and more of his talents, his beauty, and his Godly spirit; one who longs to love me as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. 

what more have i to say?

31 days

One month til i get married...so much on my brain. so. much.

I am so ready for wedding planning to be alllll done! What i've found...? Inviting people to the wedding has been THE most STRESSFUL aspect of this whole event. i guess there's just no way to *not* offend people. i'll stop there for today!

Focusing on work is becoming almost impossible and my supervisor is noticing. I'd be surprised if he didn't since i'm not really turning in any work...much...at all....

Gwen died 3 years ago today, and i'm just feeling sad about it.
i've written all about it before so i won't belabor it now. i'm sure more occasions will present themselves.

Also looking for a place to live. Chad and i figure it might be nice to have our own apartment to live in once we're married. Call us crazy!

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE WEDDING IS ALL DONE!

sorry for yelling. i'm a little pent-up.

BAH!!

3 years ago

Caid + Gwennie

remember

if God gives me babies someday...i want to remember this.

I already hate having pictures taken of me. i haven't liked it since i was about 14 and my nose blew up and i got braces--aaand i never really grew out of it. 

I'm so glad there are so many precious pictures of my mom with my sister and me (not that she ever needed to worry about getting her picture taken)! I want my children to have documentation of the same sweet moments and memories. I need to remember that. 

reading Peter Pan

Halloween 1987

heart.

"disappearing" into motherhood

“The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. ” ~cs lewis

There is a woman somewhere in southern california who just wrote a book. She is passionate, giving, opinionated, creative, silly, and wonderfully dysfunctional. Her name is Elizabeth, and she is the married mother of 5 children. 

yaay my drawing!

I got to know Elizabeth about 5 years ago when she commissioned me to do a drawing of her children when her twin daughters were just babies. 
I began to read her Blog. In this way i (and hundreds of others) have followed her thoughts and experiences as she has come to terms with spiritual abuse from her church and its overwhelming effect on her life (to put it short and simply). Also her daily musings on everything from  raising a family to exercising, struggles with religion to ADD medication! And no matter how my views meshed or clashed with hers, i have always appreciated what she has to say, and the heart she puts behind it. 

elizabeth with one of her now
5-year-old twin daughters

She has the heart of someone who yearns to love fully and to be faithful to Christ...and how to do that in light of the deeply ingrained spiritual battle constantly wagon inside of her. She is conservative in many views, and open about others...she also proclaims herself a feminist...in the way of what true feminism should be, and i believe, for a short time, once was: the belief that women are no less than men, are no less functional or productive, and should not have to suffer inconsistencies based on their gender...but while still acknowledging that men and some do have differing roles in this world. That's the way God designed it.

She wrote a post a few days ago advocating stay-at-home motherhood...and it resonated so deeply for me. To nurture and raise a family is one of the desires of my heart...and my heart breaks when i think of how many people...how many people look on choosing such a role akin to choosing a life less fully lived. 

Quote from Elizabeth's post:

"84% of women WANT to stay home with their children. Most women WANT to raise their own children. Most women do NOT see it as a 'sacrifice' of female identity to throw themselves wholeheartedly into raising their babies."

And read the post for yourself...

"why disappearing into motherhood is not a betrayal of feminism"

~clln

end note: i'm of course not saying that those who are not mothers with children or have chosen to work while having children are somehow bereft, or wrong. i'm just addressing the ideas surrounding those that have made this choice. no judgement, no exclusions...i hope that's clear to anyone who reads this silly little blog of mine :)