sighs for today's sunshine!

And today i'm just...fine! There's a lingering of melancholy somewhere there in my heart...but being at work and not outside? is okay. sitting in front of the computer? okay. the piece i was working on yesterday that was killing me? today it's kinda fun.

Maybe it's cause i got to spend a little time with Chad this morning, or even that it's just a little hotter than yesterday so i don't mind not being outside because i'm a HUGE baby when it comes to heat!

Maybe it's cause my cousin sent me this picture from our wedding...

Maybe cause my mom-in-law texted me that a group had been praying for Chad and me last night. I'm sure that might have something to do with it...

But really there is nothing much different today than it was yesterday, and it feels like yesterday was so long ago. 

Oh, fragile, strange, so easily-wounded mind...

will i ever comprehend you?

December 16th

best. day. ever. 

more on that later... :)

ps...the world didn't end today.

pss...jeanie francis photography (dot) com.

some things.

Well, lots of things. Lots of things all at once...

The twins have been diagnosed with RSV.

4 days to the wedding...and we were just informed that the place we were planning on living has been rented to someone else.

My dear friend and food coordinator, Searcy, has advanced pneumonia and told me in tears tonight that she probably won't even make it to the wedding.

It might rain on Sunday.

And i think i have a sinus infection!

those among many other "little' things. (work and finances included as well)
could i ask for prayer, please? i have not felt this overwhelmed in a long time. i know that God WILL provide, and a lot of this is Him just working out His very BEST for us.

i'm just a very scared human right now and i don't want to cry. with a sinus infection that would be really really gross.

thank you, if anyone reads this.

i remember when it said 115

Cool and collected? sometimes.

Overly sensitive, stress-eating and losing sleep? maybe.

Excited in ways i can't possibly express? yes.

sighs

we need prayer for Ian today. i'm so distracted and overwhelmed by so many things in life right now...and this has wedged itself into the primary spot. Lord, please have mercy on their family and let this all resolve quickly, and let Ian not get sick any more so the family can enjoy their Christmas this year!

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I made a pie.

good practice, seeing as i'll be making a few more in 2 & 1/2 weeks!! SO SOON YOU GUYS.

i did something to my upper back this morning while making pie crust. i get the LAMEST injuries!! anyway i've been at work for 2 hours and it's so painful (not to mention my right arm is going numb) i think i'm just going to have to leave. maybe i'll go home and go to bed.... at 6. i would sigh but it hurts to inhale enough to get a good one out.

God has blessed me with some wonderful human interaction lately...through premarital counseling and fellowship with my sister, talks with new people, reconnecting with old friends through wedding planning (and wondering why i hadn't done so sooner), overall making me just a *little* less of a social coward than i was even a few months ago...and for that i am very grateful.

just wanted to acknowledge that life is actually pretty great...i'm just super stressed out.

love, me

25 days: musings

liquid amber carpet

i had to buy 3 new long-sleeved shirts. It has been consistently not-hot for a little while now, and i realized how ill-prepared i was for it. (not that i wasn't super happy to go out and buy a few things to wear!)

i can without a doubt say that time flies no faster than when you are counting down the last days til your wedding. in 3 and 1/2 weeks i'm getting married. it seemed so far away at the beginning of the year, and it has gone by. so. fast.
i'm finding myself scrambling with little things (and a few big things) that i feel like, just yesterday, i had months ahead of me to take care of. Note to all who may benefit: *one's previously quirky and sometimes delightful penchant for procrastinating is not a boon to wedding planning*

Chad and i are still looking for a place to live. We're not exactly worried, we know that God will have us where He will, but it doesn't mean we're not anxiously scanning rental sites and driving up and down streets of surrounding cities. We've actually narrowed down some promising leads as of yesterday, so that's exciting!

We've been doing some premarital counseling with Bob, the man who is marrying us. (He watched us both grow up, my sister was the maid of honor in his daughter's wedding, and his son and i went to school together from pre-k through high school.) Aside from being a sweet and new way to get to know Bob--the goofy 60-something that likes to surf around the world and used to let me jump off of the top of bookshelves into his arms when i was 3--it's given Chad and me some good perspective, important issues to consider, and things to closely examine in ourselves. Which is probably more of the point (:

With my sister, Sarah, and her husband, we've been going through a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, and that has been wonderful. God is amazing. His word is not obsolete. It means and applies to our lives just as much now as it ever has.

Chad and i are slowly preparing for the merging of our two very separate lives into one. From our possessions to our souls. From our bank accounts to our bodies. It's overwhelming. amazing. unreal. and yet...one of the most starkly real things i will ever do. 

It has been humbling, difficult and often painful. Also i'm seeing what an amazing man i have been blessed with...along with becoming more aware of his flaws, i'm also seeing more and more of his talents, his beauty, and his Godly spirit; one who longs to love me as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. 

what more have i to say?

31 days

One month til i get married...so much on my brain. so. much.

I am so ready for wedding planning to be alllll done! What i've found...? Inviting people to the wedding has been THE most STRESSFUL aspect of this whole event. i guess there's just no way to *not* offend people. i'll stop there for today!

Focusing on work is becoming almost impossible and my supervisor is noticing. I'd be surprised if he didn't since i'm not really turning in any work...much...at all....

Gwen died 3 years ago today, and i'm just feeling sad about it.
i've written all about it before so i won't belabor it now. i'm sure more occasions will present themselves.

Also looking for a place to live. Chad and i figure it might be nice to have our own apartment to live in once we're married. Call us crazy!

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE WEDDING IS ALL DONE!

sorry for yelling. i'm a little pent-up.

BAH!!

emoticons

Ian was released to go home today :D

I'm almost not sick anymore (i just sound gross and can't lift anything) :]

It's gonna get hot again tomorrow...back to the 90s :(

All the invitations are out :)

42 days until i get married :O

the wedding is in 60 days.

60 DAYS.

this time last week it was 65 degrees and raining and SO beautiful. it hailed...it thundered...i wore tights and a jacket. happiness was mine!!

on saturday it began warming up again. today it's 95. i suppose 4 days of fall are better than none?

anyway, like i said, i'm getting married in exactly two months...and i'm trying allow myself to feel the overwhelm-sion, to acknowledge the stress, but also pair it with being as anticipatory and excited as i can!
it's mostly worked, that keeping in perspective of what a happy kind of stress and craziness this is... and that's not something one can usually say!

i've been thinking of the ceremony. i've been thinking of the hows and whos and whats.

in there among all that has been popping in the question of a flower girl. that tradition of a precious little beauty in a precious little dress bumbling down the isle before the bride walks out.

and all i can think of is gwennie.

there are many other little girls i know...beautiful, sweet, dear little girls i love. little girls who would be perfect...but thinking about them walking before me instead of gwen just breaks me.

because if gwen was here--her little whispy-haired 4-year-old self--it would be her. i only want her...my heart feels like having any other child walk in the wedding instead would be a disservice to her.

and then i feel horrible, selfish, silly.

i still don't know what i'm going to do. i had an idea of having Caid walk down as the ring bearer, or Henry and Ian, all holding red balloons in memory of her.

for a moment i let myself tell God it's so awful to even have to ponder this. it's not fair.
but He knows why this is all needed and necessary, so i chastise my short-sighted self-righteousness and move along.

a girl at work this morning told me i looked weighed down, and she gave me a hug...it actually made things a lot better. and now i'm getting all weepy...but i need to finish this background today...! i guess my immediate prayer is that i could do just that. i'll think about everything else later.

~~

it's a concerted effort

i choose to look at the pretty things on the internet.

above and below from ruche.com

just today...

Ian is home :)

And i really want to cut my hair short for the wedding.

(but i'm 94% sure i won't)