i remember when it said 115

Cool and collected? sometimes.

Overly sensitive, stress-eating and losing sleep? maybe.

Excited in ways i can't possibly express? yes.

sighs

we need prayer for Ian today. i'm so distracted and overwhelmed by so many things in life right now...and this has wedged itself into the primary spot. Lord, please have mercy on their family and let this all resolve quickly, and let Ian not get sick any more so the family can enjoy their Christmas this year!

Thanksgiving was wonderful. I made a pie.

good practice, seeing as i'll be making a few more in 2 & 1/2 weeks!! SO SOON YOU GUYS.

i did something to my upper back this morning while making pie crust. i get the LAMEST injuries!! anyway i've been at work for 2 hours and it's so painful (not to mention my right arm is going numb) i think i'm just going to have to leave. maybe i'll go home and go to bed.... at 6. i would sigh but it hurts to inhale enough to get a good one out.

God has blessed me with some wonderful human interaction lately...through premarital counseling and fellowship with my sister, talks with new people, reconnecting with old friends through wedding planning (and wondering why i hadn't done so sooner), overall making me just a *little* less of a social coward than i was even a few months ago...and for that i am very grateful.

just wanted to acknowledge that life is actually pretty great...i'm just super stressed out.

love, me

25 days: musings

liquid amber carpet

i had to buy 3 new long-sleeved shirts. It has been consistently not-hot for a little while now, and i realized how ill-prepared i was for it. (not that i wasn't super happy to go out and buy a few things to wear!)

i can without a doubt say that time flies no faster than when you are counting down the last days til your wedding. in 3 and 1/2 weeks i'm getting married. it seemed so far away at the beginning of the year, and it has gone by. so. fast.
i'm finding myself scrambling with little things (and a few big things) that i feel like, just yesterday, i had months ahead of me to take care of. Note to all who may benefit: *one's previously quirky and sometimes delightful penchant for procrastinating is not a boon to wedding planning*

Chad and i are still looking for a place to live. We're not exactly worried, we know that God will have us where He will, but it doesn't mean we're not anxiously scanning rental sites and driving up and down streets of surrounding cities. We've actually narrowed down some promising leads as of yesterday, so that's exciting!

We've been doing some premarital counseling with Bob, the man who is marrying us. (He watched us both grow up, my sister was the maid of honor in his daughter's wedding, and his son and i went to school together from pre-k through high school.) Aside from being a sweet and new way to get to know Bob--the goofy 60-something that likes to surf around the world and used to let me jump off of the top of bookshelves into his arms when i was 3--it's given Chad and me some good perspective, important issues to consider, and things to closely examine in ourselves. Which is probably more of the point (:

With my sister, Sarah, and her husband, we've been going through a book called The Meaning of Marriage by Timothy Keller, and that has been wonderful. God is amazing. His word is not obsolete. It means and applies to our lives just as much now as it ever has.

Chad and i are slowly preparing for the merging of our two very separate lives into one. From our possessions to our souls. From our bank accounts to our bodies. It's overwhelming. amazing. unreal. and yet...one of the most starkly real things i will ever do. 

It has been humbling, difficult and often painful. Also i'm seeing what an amazing man i have been blessed with...along with becoming more aware of his flaws, i'm also seeing more and more of his talents, his beauty, and his Godly spirit; one who longs to love me as Christ loves the church and gave Himself up for her. 

what more have i to say?

31 days

One month til i get married...so much on my brain. so. much.

I am so ready for wedding planning to be alllll done! What i've found...? Inviting people to the wedding has been THE most STRESSFUL aspect of this whole event. i guess there's just no way to *not* offend people. i'll stop there for today!

Focusing on work is becoming almost impossible and my supervisor is noticing. I'd be surprised if he didn't since i'm not really turning in any work...much...at all....

Gwen died 3 years ago today, and i'm just feeling sad about it.
i've written all about it before so i won't belabor it now. i'm sure more occasions will present themselves.

Also looking for a place to live. Chad and i figure it might be nice to have our own apartment to live in once we're married. Call us crazy!

I CAN'T WAIT UNTIL THE WEDDING IS ALL DONE!

sorry for yelling. i'm a little pent-up.

BAH!!

3 years ago

Caid + Gwennie

not telling.

if i do, half the people i know will think i'm awesome and informed.

the other half will think i'm an ignorant sheep.

i'd rather everyone just think i'm mysterious and independent. not that i feel i'm either of those things, but it's fun to think about.

hm.

i had better stop panicking, then.

emoticons

Ian was released to go home today :D

I'm almost not sick anymore (i just sound gross and can't lift anything) :]

It's gonna get hot again tomorrow...back to the 90s :(

All the invitations are out :)

42 days until i get married :O

Ian hospitalized

Ian has been in the hospital (CHOC) since saturday. Initially it was because he ran a fever, and having had a BMT that means a 48-hour stay in the hospital, to make sure it's not an HLH flare-up.

But he has been worsening the past couple of days, and now has the beginnings of pneumonia in both of his lungs...i'm so worried...Ginger is so scared.

Head over to the blog to get updates...and please pray that he gets through this quickly...

sick again??

Second time this month. really not liking this trend. first time it was Caid & Henry's fault! This time it's my parents!! ...or maybe staying up too late at a wedding on saturday.

Lord, i really, really need to be healthy for the next 7 weeks! As soon as the honeymoon's over, hit me with whatever. Please!

Mailed out a huge load of wedding invitations today....IT'S HAPPENING

A couple of weeks ago they had a pumpkin carving day at work. Being true to disney, i decided to do a villain. So, I carved a pumpkin that looked like scar.

Unfortunately i left it at work in my cubicle over the weekend...and the warmth of the office combined with a propensity to mold took care of my poor pumpkin real fast. At least i got a picture of it!

Here are Ian and Henry at my birthday thingie my family had for me. Isn't Ian looking amazing??

i'm going to go take a nap and feel pathetic now...

the wedding is in 60 days.

60 DAYS.

this time last week it was 65 degrees and raining and SO beautiful. it hailed...it thundered...i wore tights and a jacket. happiness was mine!!

on saturday it began warming up again. today it's 95. i suppose 4 days of fall are better than none?

anyway, like i said, i'm getting married in exactly two months...and i'm trying allow myself to feel the overwhelm-sion, to acknowledge the stress, but also pair it with being as anticipatory and excited as i can!
it's mostly worked, that keeping in perspective of what a happy kind of stress and craziness this is... and that's not something one can usually say!

i've been thinking of the ceremony. i've been thinking of the hows and whos and whats.

in there among all that has been popping in the question of a flower girl. that tradition of a precious little beauty in a precious little dress bumbling down the isle before the bride walks out.

and all i can think of is gwennie.

there are many other little girls i know...beautiful, sweet, dear little girls i love. little girls who would be perfect...but thinking about them walking before me instead of gwen just breaks me.

because if gwen was here--her little whispy-haired 4-year-old self--it would be her. i only want her...my heart feels like having any other child walk in the wedding instead would be a disservice to her.

and then i feel horrible, selfish, silly.

i still don't know what i'm going to do. i had an idea of having Caid walk down as the ring bearer, or Henry and Ian, all holding red balloons in memory of her.

for a moment i let myself tell God it's so awful to even have to ponder this. it's not fair.
but He knows why this is all needed and necessary, so i chastise my short-sighted self-righteousness and move along.

a girl at work this morning told me i looked weighed down, and she gave me a hug...it actually made things a lot better. and now i'm getting all weepy...but i need to finish this background today...! i guess my immediate prayer is that i could do just that. i'll think about everything else later.

~~

some days...

...some days are just harder than others.

eye of the sparrow

"bad lip reading" of the first presidential debate. my favorite part starts around 2:15. one commenter wrote: "is this the trailer for the hobbit?"

go HERE and be amazed.

also, this picture of the Princess Bride 25th anniversary cast reunion. 

chases, escapes, true love, miracles.

remember

if God gives me babies someday...i want to remember this.

I already hate having pictures taken of me. i haven't liked it since i was about 14 and my nose blew up and i got braces--aaand i never really grew out of it. 

I'm so glad there are so many precious pictures of my mom with my sister and me (not that she ever needed to worry about getting her picture taken)! I want my children to have documentation of the same sweet moments and memories. I need to remember that. 

reading Peter Pan

Halloween 1987

heart.

Silver + Gold

Sufjan is releasing a new Christmas album :)

yet one more reason to look forward to winter.

Silver & Gold: Songs for Christmas, Vols 6-10 

"disappearing" into motherhood

“The homemaker has the ultimate career. All other careers exist for one purpose only - and that is to support the ultimate career. ” ~cs lewis

There is a woman somewhere in southern california who just wrote a book. She is passionate, giving, opinionated, creative, silly, and wonderfully dysfunctional. Her name is Elizabeth, and she is the married mother of 5 children. 

yaay my drawing!

I got to know Elizabeth about 5 years ago when she commissioned me to do a drawing of her children when her twin daughters were just babies. 
I began to read her Blog. In this way i (and hundreds of others) have followed her thoughts and experiences as she has come to terms with spiritual abuse from her church and its overwhelming effect on her life (to put it short and simply). Also her daily musings on everything from  raising a family to exercising, struggles with religion to ADD medication! And no matter how my views meshed or clashed with hers, i have always appreciated what she has to say, and the heart she puts behind it. 

elizabeth with one of her now
5-year-old twin daughters

She has the heart of someone who yearns to love fully and to be faithful to Christ...and how to do that in light of the deeply ingrained spiritual battle constantly wagon inside of her. She is conservative in many views, and open about others...she also proclaims herself a feminist...in the way of what true feminism should be, and i believe, for a short time, once was: the belief that women are no less than men, are no less functional or productive, and should not have to suffer inconsistencies based on their gender...but while still acknowledging that men and some do have differing roles in this world. That's the way God designed it.

She wrote a post a few days ago advocating stay-at-home motherhood...and it resonated so deeply for me. To nurture and raise a family is one of the desires of my heart...and my heart breaks when i think of how many people...how many people look on choosing such a role akin to choosing a life less fully lived. 

Quote from Elizabeth's post:

"84% of women WANT to stay home with their children. Most women WANT to raise their own children. Most women do NOT see it as a 'sacrifice' of female identity to throw themselves wholeheartedly into raising their babies."

And read the post for yourself...

"why disappearing into motherhood is not a betrayal of feminism"

~clln

end note: i'm of course not saying that those who are not mothers with children or have chosen to work while having children are somehow bereft, or wrong. i'm just addressing the ideas surrounding those that have made this choice. no judgement, no exclusions...i hope that's clear to anyone who reads this silly little blog of mine :)

i am so proud of my bestest friend

Doodles Homme, a clothing line featuring PIP's art, is officially arrived at Fred Segal in West Hollywood! 

~

CLICK HERE ... and check out the look book!

Bilbo and Frodo's birthday!

waaay past eleventy-hundred. and i'm not quite geeky enough to figure it out. but it does remind me that i'm excited for The Hobbit in December. i'm glad i'm excited, i wasn't expecting to be so very much, seeing as i've almost disowned the LotR movies for my own tolkien-purist reasons. ahem. that aside...

also, it's one month from my birthday. my THIRTIETH birthday. 

honestly? just a few years ago i never pictured myself living til i was 30. i know that sounds terrible, but i was in a different place then. thank God :)

anyway, i feel like the blow of 30 years would be greatly softened if someone made me some birthday cake pancakes. thanks internet!

i moved out of Joey and Ginger's last week so they could have more room for their 3 now very active little boys. and i miss them. i miss them so, so much! except for Henry's parting gift to me of a chest infection...i won't miss that.

Chad and i are now 84 days from the wedding, and aside from the planning insanity, i'm beginning to get all nest-y. which will be much easier to deal with when we get a place of our own and i'm not freshly shoved into my parents guest room, with boxes and bags surrounding a mattress on the floor. (did i mention they are moving, too?)

this is what i want my breakfast table to look like when i have a house someday. this picture makes my heart feel so happy. plus, for this to be my kitchen table in my own house someday, i think i will have fulfilled a hefty number of life goals to make that happen, and that feels good, too.

this skirt, please, thank you (and the sweater. and the floor.)

Belgium? This is in Belgium? Then that's where i'm going.

and i like this tumblr.

i can't believe he's almost 7 years old

Yesterday i visited the Adams' to help out for a few hours while Ginger had to take Henry to the doctor. As I picked up some stray toys, I came across this one and decided to impress Caid with my animal knowledge.

"Hey Caid," I said, "this is a Quagga, right?"

He glanced away from the computer, raised an eyebrow, and said nicely: "No, actually, that's an Okapi; it's related to a giraffe." He turned back to his dinosaur video.

"Oh," I replied, and looked dumbly at the toy. "So what's a Quagga?"

He turned towards me with full attention this time. "A Quagga is a type of small horse that became extinct. It had stripes on it, too," he added, as if to reaffirm me. (He told me more...but i'm just not as good at remembering this stuff as he is.)

Anyway, shows what I know. At least I got the stripes right!

NOT a Quagga

summer...? over it.

It's really all just wishful thinking right now, as it has been hot, muggy and miserable for weeks, and an end doesn't seem to be in sight...but i'm so ready for fall.

Tired of the stickiness and wildfires. Of feeling drained and awful all the time.

But these things, these lovely little pictures below, make me feel really, really....happy. and alive. 

Autumn and winter make me feel alive.

i'm ready for scarves, and shorts with tights.

ready for pinecones and wintery jewelry... like these earrings from etsy.

ready to sit inside on a cloudy rainy day and draw.

ready to bake pies. and oh these:
Apple hand pies with cheddar! Chad would love these.

...and apple cider. 

in apple cups, if you want to be fancy.

I'm definitely, definitely ready.