tonight i suddenly recalled an experience i had as a young teenager...it brought on wonderful thoughtfulness, fascination, introspection...and just a tad of amusement.

it happened at a friend's youth group that i attended for a few weeks (somewhat begrudgingly, i might add, given my agonizing shyness). overwhelmed by the crush and crowd of dozens of loud, outgoing, chatty teenagers, i was doing all i could just to pretend i was smiling. everyone knew each other and everyone had friends. i was all alone...the friend i had come with had seemed to disappear.

i remember glimpsing a head covered in auburn hair, glossy, shining almost magenta in the florescent lights. some bodies parted enough for me to see that it belonged to a girl across the room, and i was literally stunned by her exquisite beauty. she was a being the like of which i had never before seen. the color of her skin, the curve of her nose, the shape of her mouth...something about her so intrigued and attracted my eyes that it terrified the life out of me.
i was too young and naive to realize i was experiencing one of the first of countless jolts of delight in the beauty of the creation of humanity that would come to define my life as a fine artist...and as a person.
all i knew then was that i couldn't keep my eyes away from her. she saw me staring at one point and i quickly turned away in painful embarrassment. i remember going home that night--and with 100% seriousness and concern wondering if i was gay. i'm not kidding!

naturally, in the following years i have come to better know and understand the nature of my own mind--my ridiculous penchant and weakness for physical uniqueness and beauty in all people. and of course experiencing blessing and hardship of emotional and spiritual growth as a human being in general.
in this case, i learned that it takes a lot more than the admiration of a particularly attractive female to make me a lesbian...in the same way my intense and emotional, even physical response to a glorious cloud or the sunset on a mountain does not mean i am sexually attracted to it. it's an absurd thing to say, but it's just the nature of the thought!

anyway, i thought it was interesting.
maybe you just think it's weird and awkward, but i'm glad i remembered it.

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