what am i supposed to be doing again...?

veeeeery hard to focus today.
saw the doctor this morning and i'm now more informed and slightly relieved about a few things, and yet more discouraged about others. i am feeling so mentally out of it...! i kind of just want to sleep until tomorrow.

on a happier note, here's a cute ian picture:


don't mind me, i'm just a restless twenty-something.

Feeling itchy today (and not just because of my allergy-ridden skin). A mental agitation...an emotional rough patch...a sense of being trapped inside a box. I literally can't sit still.
Maybe it's all the hot weather, no rain, a few teasing clouds once a month or so...
Perhaps the worries of the complications of life, the passing of days, the potential for missed opportunities...all the driving, the traffic, the smog, the society, computers, televisions, phones, the constant stimulation, the sprawling cities and endless freeways...

I go through periods of overwhelming urges to go far away; to somewhere beautiful, chilly, green, majestic. 5 years ago, on my old blog, i wrote this post about moving to Ireland.

And years ago i also took this picture while my mom sister and i were visiting Oregon.

I've been to Austria, but i didn't quite make it to anywhere like Hallstatt...where the picture on the right was taken.
Right now i'd give anything to go there. Somewhere old, somewhere peaceful, somewhere i can feel cool breezes, breathe clean air, climb high, emerald mountains.

The need for simplicity, beauty, freshness, inspiration.



oww my skin--pt 3

So, i'm allergic to penicillin. Guess how i found out?




Chad and i went to the LA County Fair over the weekend. Whilst in the section with all the farm animals, i heard this little gem:

Woman: What is that??
Man: That is a big ass pig.
Woman: Ew.



today i encountered a situation where i felt i needed to say something.
i sat, and sat, and sat...thinking of what i needed to say, but how afraid i was to speak.

and i never did...

and now i just can't let it go. the conviction gnawing inside me...
sometimes i feel like the most epic of cowards.


i had a venti americano this morning

Well, thank goodness i only had to languish in a crowded assembly room for one day. Look how proud i am to do my civic duty!

My sister did this drawing for me on monday...
It's been a looong week.Yesterday i thought i was regressing health wise...but doing better today.

Speaking of which, i have a doctor's appointment today to discuss my blood. :D
In the past year or two i've had my blood taken more times than i can remember...and i can say that the big fat bruise that developed after the nurse took blood last week...? not what's supposed to happen.
But she talked to me about Halloween raves and how awesome they are while she did it so it's cool.

Today is Bilbo and Frodo's birthday, by the way. Also known as Hobbit Day. Yes, it's a thing.

Caid is steadily becoming a Miyazaki fan. He absolutely LOVES My Neighbor Totoro and hums multiple songs from the score. I'm so proud!!
His favorite part, he says, is "when they get the acorns"...also "the part with the goat". His favorite character is catbus. He likes to make noises like catbus does...he sounds like the garbage disposal.

OH i forgot...i found a pure white hair smack in the middle of my bangs yesterday. In my bangs--which i look at multiple times a day. Which means it wasn't there day before yesterday. (of course, being me, i pulled it out and have since glued it into my journal.) How does that HAPPEN?? also, ITALICS!

Joey said that he saw a dead owl on the freeway the other day. An owl.

 i really should be working.



jury duty tomorrow.


oww my skin--pt 2

not much new...just that the mystery illness continues. spent the weekend in ontario with a bum right arm due to overly swollen lymph nodes, and a persistent low-grade fever, among other things.

i currently resemble an elderly woman with arthritis in both knees. gonna try to go to work tomorrow anyway! or i might just go insane with guilt.
this is also, of course, the week i am on call for jury duty. but BLESSING OF BLESSINGS, i checked in tonight and i don't have to go tomorrow. thank you, LORD.

it's 8:30 and i'm going to bed. maybe i really am an old lady now...


oww my skin

       body hates me. pray i can see the doctor in the morning.


(and THIS for those who don't know.)


huh. okay.

A few days ago someone found it by image searching cloud pictures. Then this morning, someone found my blog by googling brazilian chicks.

That all rounds out pretty well, i think.


i wrote this *really* fast...

10 years ago today i was an 18 year old fresh-faced high school graduate and had just started junior college. PCC what-what!
i was obsessed with lord of the rings, drawing comics, had a hopeless crush on elijah wood, and aspired to maybe go to art center or something someday. i was afraid of the future. i was overweight, depressed and afraid of everyone and everything, convinced no one would ever love me and i would never do anything useful with my pitiful self...but i loved my stories, my family, my cousins, and making movies with them. i loved singing. i knew God was around somewhere....so i slogged ahead. (most of the time).
we still lived at atchison...i loved that house. james/joey/jeff/matt/anna...some or all of those people lived with us. we had olivia and quidam. my grandparents were alive and still living by themselves. sarah had stared her artsy fartsy LACHSA and i was jealous of her. there was no caid...joey and ginger weren't even married yet!

10 years ago there was no facebook, no twitter, no myspace. i had only had a cell phone for about a year, most other people in my family didn't ( i remember, in particular, joey holding out for quite a while and everyone being really mad at him). digital photography was still new-fangled and i still took film to vons to get developed. we carried around video cameras. took polaroids before it was cool.

10 years ago today i remember going into the kitchen and seeing crazy stuff going on in the news on the little tv my dad was watching while making breakfast. planes crashing into buildings thousands of miles away...tragic. i watched the second one hit, live, right before my eyes, and felt a twist in my stomach. i hardly had time to process the enormity before i grabbed a piece of toast and had to rush out to my english class.

needless to say, we didn't learn about essay writing or analyze short stories that day.

i cried a lot. my heart was burdened with a weight i had never felt before...life as i knew...both for myself, and for humanity, had changed forever. in ways i saw immediately, in ways i would only see unfold over years, and in ways i still have not seen.

a LOT of things have changed in ten years. just in this little life i call mine. but the 11th of September was one of them. i still can't think of it, i mean really remember what it was, with out shedding tears. and i'm glad for that! i never ever want to get used to what happened.

i don't care if this blog was corny or whatever. i know there are millions and bajillions out there just like it. but it's just what i'm thinking about~~~

good night...count yourself blessed to be able to have spent these last 10 years growing and changing and learning, rejoicing, and being able to grieve.

thank you Lord for my own little miracles. my own little trials. thank you i can feel You closer...though i know it's still not close enough. may others be able to find Your hand in strife...and give people comfort in Your sovereignty today.




i hate hot. i hate this HOTTT. i also hate ants.

hot and ants need to die now...ALL DIE!!



it's a new week...starting on a tuesday!

i just realized it's 3:30 and i haven't had lunch.



...i'm thankful it is friday. and a long weekend, at that. there is a lot i need to do and catch up on in the next dew days.

...i realized that the year is 3/4 over. WHAT?

...the house will be finally emptied, and it still hasn't really clicked. never walk barefoot on that grass again? never pick figs from the trees? never sleep in my mom's childhood bedroom...so many things...i can't imagine life without this home...
i'm trying not to think about it too much (haha). i'll probably write more later when i don't have work i should be doing : /

...i'm also really sick of this government. but who isn't? that's boring. who wants to hear about that.