Latest from Ginger.

Latest from Ginger. Please keep praying for Ian...
"Henry continues to do well. Joey and I were updated by the doctors today on Ian. There is still uncertainty about what caused this with Ian but HLH was the theory that was discussed. There are two types of HLH, and my understanding is that a virus can trigger an overly aggressive immunological response that would be very similar to the rapid deteriorati...on that we witnessed with Ian.
The problem that we are facing is that HLH doesn't have a test that there is a positive or negative result, it is more of meeting a certain number of criteria. Ian "technically" meets the minimum number of criteria, although the doctor here tells us that he has never seen a case of HLH without certain elevated antibodies, which Ian doesn't have.
I am feeling very concerned and extremely burdened because the doctors are not certain either way. The treatment for HLH is steroids and low dose chemotherapy. My understanding is that if he has HLH it would help him now and prevent further life threatening incidents like this, but in the absence of a definitive diagnosis, I feel sick about exposing Ian to those treatments. Please pray for wisdom and divine guidance for us and the doctors in this. Love to everyone."


on our knees

 Sweet Ian, all i can hope and pray for is that i will hold you in my arms again soon...!
that you and Henry will be free of this plaguing illness in your tiny bodies
that you will be strong and healthy
that i will see you walk
and thank Jesus for His gift to us of your precious life.

Ian and Henry are both suffering from pneumonia in Phoenix Children's Hospital.
Ian is still in a medically induced coma and on morphine and blood thinners, therefore causing a risk of bleeding in the brain. Ginger wrote this last night:

"Last night [the 27th] was a very hard night for us. Ian seemed to be doing better, and was even playing and laughing a little but then suddenly could not keep his oxygen levels up and they progressively got worse. After unsuccessful interventions, they bagged him and then intubated him but could not stabilize him. They decided to transfuse him with hemoglobin and platelets, which he had been dangerously getting lower on the last few days. It was also decided to put him on an ECMO, which is a type of life support that acts as an artificial lung. His blood is pumped through the machine to oxygenate it and then pumped back into his body. He has to be on heparin to keep the blood thin, but this runs the risk of developing a brain bleed. Please pray specifically that this will not happen, since the only remedy would be to take him off the ECMO, even if he was not ready.
Henry seems stable and oxygenates well, although he has low platelets. Please pray that he gets better and not worse.We praise God that Ian is alive and stable. We praise the Lord for Henry and ask that he gets better. We are so thankful to have wonderful support from our family, friends, and even those that don't know us".



i had a very sweet time with a new old friend. we ate chicken pie. i cut her hair. we scattered flower petals.
good night~~


thousands of words


Caid climbed on a wall...
There were two snuggly babies on my pillow...
Dad showed me how to smoke a grape vine twig... 
I hung out with Pip, (who is getting married on Saturday)...
and Caid amended his Christmas list.


Just doesn't look right.

For along time I've felt that the letter G should come before F in the alphabet. These are the kind of things I think about.


cam and wren

Cam: Hey Mom. Wanna know what i hate?  
Wren: Uh oh...I'm scared. 
Cam: (laughs) Why? 
Wren: (kind of laughs) I'm just scared! 
Cam: Don't worry, it's not you. 
Wren: Uh oh---what? 
Cam: It's not you. 
Wren: Still… 
Cam: You're like, third. 
Wren: Third?? 
Cam: Or, i dunno, fifth or something. 
Wren: Do i have to be anything??
(for the record, i asked cam and wren to pose really quick for a picture for me and, well, that's what they did)


you did, little girl puppet.

Something you hear on the TV if you live in a house with small children.

Girl Puppet: Hey Elmo!

Elmo: Helloooo!

GP: Did i just hear you say 'hooray for underpants'?"



It's the last say of November already. Did you realize that? Because I didn't.


Caid's Christmas list...(that first one is "spinosaurus", for all you non-paleontologists out there)



i get a huge kick out of knowing that the search words that most often bring random people to my blog have, for weeks, been "brazilian chicks" and "patrick stewart" (sometimes accompanied by "mask").


this morning

henry one (looking for danger)

ian babe (with mashed banana face)

pretty girls with persimmons


Ginger asked me, "Colleen, do you know where the perfect place is to kiss a babe?"

"No, where?' i smiled.

"C'mere, Caid," she said, and gently took his face in her hands...


2 years

heavy with the impossible burden tonight.

for the ten thousandth time asking God why

Gwennie is so alive and vibrant in my heart it feels like it's happening all over again
didn't i just hold her? didn't i just feel her tiny little girl hands on my arm...didn't i just kiss her sweet face, and hear her little voice, brimming with first words?

this week is going to be very hard...

please pray for Ginger and the family.
i don't know what to say...but if my heart is still breaking like it is, i can't imagine theirs.


i'm hungry!

So much better. Prayers worked :)

This morning i took this picture from Joey & Ginger's window facing out over the hills...a cool November day. They say we have more rain coming tomorrow...i can't wait.

I just indulged myself in a super cute pair of Toms. When they come, and if they fit, i'll post a picture. :)

Have you seen the opening for the Office season 7? (the best version i could find is flipped :/ but it's still good)

I am contented today...in spite of things really not being much different than usual. This morning when he called to wake me, Chad prayer for blessings on my day, and on his. I think that's why i'm feeling so happy. 



oww my skin--pt 3 (...?)

i am a zombie. and not for anything Halloween related...besides, that was over a week ago guys. i know it feels like it should only be about october 15th or so, but it's NOVEMBER 7TH. (that was mostly directed at myself)

i mean i'm beginning to feel a very familiar and disquieting dizziness, increasing weakness, and aching in my joints that led to my mystery illness of the entire month of september. the lack of appetite is what really tips me off...because i can ALWAYS eat food. i can't even bring myself to open up a yogurt for lunch. which was almost 3 hours ago.

also, this morning i left my phone at home, almost forgot to put on shoes, and somewhere between the building i work in and starbucks 2 blocks away, i lost my sweatshirt. and it's freezing. and i threw away half my coffee because it made me nauseous. coffee i paid for.



blady bla

Well, tomorrow i'm starting my second to last week on Ricky Gervais. I'm happy to say i'll miss it...happy because it's really nice to like your job, and i'm crossing my fingers it gets picked up for a 4th season!

Last night Anna M took Ginger out for coffee, so Ioni was delightedly  helping feed Henry. I think this picture just speaks for itself.

I've decided i'm going to have a new segment on here where i share things that i think smell really good.

Here's a review Laura wrote of a  show headlining a band from London called Still Corners that i saw with her and Chad on Saturday. I took the picture with the article...you can see i am a seasoned professional with only the most high-tech equipment.

And for those who are still in post-Halloween mourning, here you go.



You don't have a Soul, You are a Soul. You have a body.
-C.S. Lewis


something's different...

Sometimes your sister uses your work computer over the weekend...so you come in on monday to find your Cintiq skewed at a weird angle, your desktop covered in a guy dressed as pokey, and a copy of your favorite Sargent painting gruesomely defaced.

i call that a good start to a monday.


good morning

Don't you dare get between Caid and his toasted English Muffin with cream cheese and blackberry jam.


autumn odes

Delicious autumn!  My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.  ~George Eliot

Bittersweet October.  The mellow, messy, leaf-kicking, perfect pause between the opposing miseries of summer and winter.  ~Carol Bishop Hipps

No spring nor summer beauty hath such grace
As I have seen in one autumnal face.  ~John Donne
 photo by me...2008 :)



Guys that buzz around driving deafening ridiculous cars and bikes are pansies.


29th &c~

It was my birthday on saturday...and it was a lovely, low-key day. Chad gave me some axe-cop comics, Alec and Sarah gifted me with a generous donation to World Vision, and my dad gave me his iPhone! I so did *not* expect that.
<<--There, as you see, is my face. Photographed by a hipster app on said iPhone. I feel so cool and hip it's a little uncomfortable.
Chad tells me i am  now "part of the machine".

Yesterday i helped babysit at church, along with Reid and Jeanette. Reid spent most of the time on the floor getting pummeled and bossed around by Caid and Ioni. At one point, as Reid lay motionless under a table, i heard this:

Caid: You're in the furnace!

Reid: I know...it burns so bad!

Caid: It'll burn you to BONE!


just rad.

Have i mentioned that i'm completely enamored with St. Vincent's Annie Clark?
oh that's right, i have!



Ginger (in the kitchen doing dishes): I'm cleaning this quetzacoatlus.

Joey (on the computer working): You gotta clean those quetzacoatluses.

Me (from my room): No one likes a dirty quetzacoatlus.

Joey: Right. Show me *one* person who does.

Me: (pause) I can't.

Joey: Know why?

Me: Why?

Joey: Cause there aren't any.


a glimpse into hopelessness

When i am confronted with the things that people have and still continue to suffer...isolation, endless starvation, in this age of so much "enlightenment" and "progression", i just want to curl up in bed and never wake up. These days i am choosing the confrontation...It weighs on me like a physical burden that no amount of monetary giving, or prayer can seem to lift.
Here, in this great country, we can joke all we want about the horrors of our "suffering" (see previous post) But most people have no idea--I have no idea--what real disparity of life is.
Lord, what else can i do? Please...please tell me what else i can do...




well, i have another bad infection. again. doesn't matter what/where/how...i might as well have gotten it from, you know, looking at a tree! all i know is that my immune system is shot, and that i'm exhausted and everything hurts. today i start on my 4th (or 5th?...they're all running together) regimen of antibiotics in the past year. i wonder when i will just not be sick anymore. sad face.


stay put

ever i'm waiting
today there is achy-ness
the wond'ring of when

...sometimes God is simply silent.


waking up was confusing

Yesterday i blasted lady gaga to bug chad while we were driving. I can't remember why, but i'm sure it was a very good reason.
Anyway, it backfired on me--i dreamed about lady gaga all night last night. My brain even made up new lady gaga songs. One of them was about grocery shopping.
Very, very, epic grocery shopping.

And i was wearing a Patrick Stewart mask.



i have a cold.



The twins are 1 year old today. I can't  believe how far they've come in a year.

I took this picture on my phone this morning. I barely got the photo snapped before Henry was on top of me...drool, spit up and all. Ian followed 3 seconds later.

...happy, crazy boys on their birthday!


what the fuh

Leave it to the Onion to never miss a beat! Honestly, one of the best pieces i've seen so far recognizing the enormity of Steve Jobs' life and work, and the impact of his death. A classic "it's funny 'cause it's true"!

It's already sparked an increased thoughtfulness in the creative and progressive world...there is an air of melancholy in the studio today. i guess i never knew how many people in the animation industry considered him as a hero.

We think we know so much...but we can't stop people from getting cancer...we can't stop them from dying. It doesn't matter how rich and famous and adored you are.
(blah blah philosophical mumblings.....)

The days ahead just get curiouser and curiouser...


baby baby

Recently, as i was mindlessly sorting through a clean load of my laundry, i suddenly pulled out a teeny tiny white onesie. I don't know how it got in with my clothes, and i don't really care (though i wouldn't put it past Henry to already be sneaking into my room and causing trouble).

cutest. surprise. ever.


rain really does make everything better.

i think i just found my new source of stress relief.

*update-no, really, i've been listening to it for about 8 minutes while i work and my headache is going away. 

**2nd update-i heard it's going to rain this week and i'm feeling like a kid on Christmas!


what am i supposed to be doing again...?

veeeeery hard to focus today.
saw the doctor this morning and i'm now more informed and slightly relieved about a few things, and yet more discouraged about others. i am feeling so mentally out of it...! i kind of just want to sleep until tomorrow.

on a happier note, here's a cute ian picture:


don't mind me, i'm just a restless twenty-something.

Feeling itchy today (and not just because of my allergy-ridden skin). A mental agitation...an emotional rough patch...a sense of being trapped inside a box. I literally can't sit still.
Maybe it's all the hot weather, no rain, a few teasing clouds once a month or so...
Perhaps the worries of the complications of life, the passing of days, the potential for missed opportunities...all the driving, the traffic, the smog, the society, computers, televisions, phones, the constant stimulation, the sprawling cities and endless freeways...

I go through periods of overwhelming urges to go far away; to somewhere beautiful, chilly, green, majestic. 5 years ago, on my old blog, i wrote this post about moving to Ireland.

And years ago i also took this picture while my mom sister and i were visiting Oregon.

I've been to Austria, but i didn't quite make it to anywhere like Hallstatt...where the picture on the right was taken.
Right now i'd give anything to go there. Somewhere old, somewhere peaceful, somewhere i can feel cool breezes, breathe clean air, climb high, emerald mountains.

The need for simplicity, beauty, freshness, inspiration.



oww my skin--pt 3

So, i'm allergic to penicillin. Guess how i found out?




Chad and i went to the LA County Fair over the weekend. Whilst in the section with all the farm animals, i heard this little gem:

Woman: What is that??
Man: That is a big ass pig.
Woman: Ew.



today i encountered a situation where i felt i needed to say something.
i sat, and sat, and sat...thinking of what i needed to say, but how afraid i was to speak.

and i never did...

and now i just can't let it go. the conviction gnawing inside me...
sometimes i feel like the most epic of cowards.


i had a venti americano this morning

Well, thank goodness i only had to languish in a crowded assembly room for one day. Look how proud i am to do my civic duty!

My sister did this drawing for me on monday...
It's been a looong week.Yesterday i thought i was regressing health wise...but doing better today.

Speaking of which, i have a doctor's appointment today to discuss my blood. :D
In the past year or two i've had my blood taken more times than i can remember...and i can say that the big fat bruise that developed after the nurse took blood last week...? not what's supposed to happen.
But she talked to me about Halloween raves and how awesome they are while she did it so it's cool.

Today is Bilbo and Frodo's birthday, by the way. Also known as Hobbit Day. Yes, it's a thing.

Caid is steadily becoming a Miyazaki fan. He absolutely LOVES My Neighbor Totoro and hums multiple songs from the score. I'm so proud!!
His favorite part, he says, is "when they get the acorns"...also "the part with the goat". His favorite character is catbus. He likes to make noises like catbus does...he sounds like the garbage disposal.

OH i forgot...i found a pure white hair smack in the middle of my bangs yesterday. In my bangs--which i look at multiple times a day. Which means it wasn't there day before yesterday. (of course, being me, i pulled it out and have since glued it into my journal.) How does that HAPPEN?? also, ITALICS!

Joey said that he saw a dead owl on the freeway the other day. An owl.

 i really should be working.



jury duty tomorrow.


oww my skin--pt 2

not much new...just that the mystery illness continues. spent the weekend in ontario with a bum right arm due to overly swollen lymph nodes, and a persistent low-grade fever, among other things.

i currently resemble an elderly woman with arthritis in both knees. gonna try to go to work tomorrow anyway! or i might just go insane with guilt.
this is also, of course, the week i am on call for jury duty. but BLESSING OF BLESSINGS, i checked in tonight and i don't have to go tomorrow. thank you, LORD.

it's 8:30 and i'm going to bed. maybe i really am an old lady now...


oww my skin

       body hates me. pray i can see the doctor in the morning.


(and THIS for those who don't know.)


huh. okay.

A few days ago someone found it by image searching cloud pictures. Then this morning, someone found my blog by googling brazilian chicks.

That all rounds out pretty well, i think.


i wrote this *really* fast...

10 years ago today i was an 18 year old fresh-faced high school graduate and had just started junior college. PCC what-what!
i was obsessed with lord of the rings, drawing comics, had a hopeless crush on elijah wood, and aspired to maybe go to art center or something someday. i was afraid of the future. i was overweight, depressed and afraid of everyone and everything, convinced no one would ever love me and i would never do anything useful with my pitiful self...but i loved my stories, my family, my cousins, and making movies with them. i loved singing. i knew God was around somewhere....so i slogged ahead. (most of the time).
we still lived at atchison...i loved that house. james/joey/jeff/matt/anna...some or all of those people lived with us. we had olivia and quidam. my grandparents were alive and still living by themselves. sarah had stared her artsy fartsy LACHSA and i was jealous of her. there was no caid...joey and ginger weren't even married yet!

10 years ago there was no facebook, no twitter, no myspace. i had only had a cell phone for about a year, most other people in my family didn't ( i remember, in particular, joey holding out for quite a while and everyone being really mad at him). digital photography was still new-fangled and i still took film to vons to get developed. we carried around video cameras. took polaroids before it was cool.

10 years ago today i remember going into the kitchen and seeing crazy stuff going on in the news on the little tv my dad was watching while making breakfast. planes crashing into buildings thousands of miles away...tragic. i watched the second one hit, live, right before my eyes, and felt a twist in my stomach. i hardly had time to process the enormity before i grabbed a piece of toast and had to rush out to my english class.

needless to say, we didn't learn about essay writing or analyze short stories that day.

i cried a lot. my heart was burdened with a weight i had never felt before...life as i knew...both for myself, and for humanity, had changed forever. in ways i saw immediately, in ways i would only see unfold over years, and in ways i still have not seen.

a LOT of things have changed in ten years. just in this little life i call mine. but the 11th of September was one of them. i still can't think of it, i mean really remember what it was, with out shedding tears. and i'm glad for that! i never ever want to get used to what happened.

i don't care if this blog was corny or whatever. i know there are millions and bajillions out there just like it. but it's just what i'm thinking about~~~

good night...count yourself blessed to be able to have spent these last 10 years growing and changing and learning, rejoicing, and being able to grieve.

thank you Lord for my own little miracles. my own little trials. thank you i can feel You closer...though i know it's still not close enough. may others be able to find Your hand in strife...and give people comfort in Your sovereignty today.




i hate hot. i hate this HOTTT. i also hate ants.

hot and ants need to die now...ALL DIE!!



it's a new week...starting on a tuesday!

i just realized it's 3:30 and i haven't had lunch.



...i'm thankful it is friday. and a long weekend, at that. there is a lot i need to do and catch up on in the next dew days.

...i realized that the year is 3/4 over. WHAT?

...the house will be finally emptied, and it still hasn't really clicked. never walk barefoot on that grass again? never pick figs from the trees? never sleep in my mom's childhood bedroom...so many things...i can't imagine life without this home...
i'm trying not to think about it too much (haha). i'll probably write more later when i don't have work i should be doing : /

...i'm also really sick of this government. but who isn't? that's boring. who wants to hear about that.


all the leaves are brown...because the sun burned them up

there is something very very wrong in that it's been over 100 degrees every day and stores and various businesses are beginning to display fall merchandise. is there nothing sacred anymore??

having a moderately tough day today...it doesn't seem to matter how much sleep i get or how much coffee i drink...some days i just submit to an achy head full of cotton.

earlier, i found pretty adequate expression in alliteration...

feeling fairly feebly fatigued. 

 i'm prouder of that than i should be, i think.


Little Ian had surgery again this week...and now he (and Henry, too) has a cold :( pray for his little body to stay strong and fight off sickness and infection!

I tried to run a couple of days ago. Seriously, it was mostly walking, with little spurts of light jogging...and i still had horrible pain in my knee by only a mile & a half. Ended the day with frozen peas strapped to my leg and almost unable to walk. So bummed. I miss running so much.

Last night i dreamed that Chad and my sister were both killed in a horrible accident. I can think of a number of things in the past few days that could have triggered this...but i haven't had a dream quite that devastating in a long time. I remember crying til my eyes and throat were dry...despairing...praying, begging God to let me wake up from it all and find it was a horrible dream. But it went on so long, and it was so real, and my heart was so broken.
Chad called me to wake me up this morning. The relief that swept over me as i heard his voice and reality hit was like a wave of water. Kind of like a few days ago...but naturally, even greater and sweeter. And i was exhausted.

sheesh, brain...stressed out, much??


backin up

 First watch THIS.

Then watch THIS.

i guess i'm not giving up on the internet quite yet.

itch i can't scratch

It's been months now since i've done any artwork. i miss painting so much i could cry...i feel the need all over me, like a rash under my skin that i can't get rid of (cue jokes about my hygiene). Lord please help me find somewhere to be able to paint again soon...and feel free to give me a kick in the butt to get me moving.


command z

Night before last i had one of those dreams that gives one the rare opportunity of being REALLY happy when you're rudely awakened by your alarm in the morning...
In my dream i decided to buy a new car--I have a job now, so i can totally afford it!--i thought to myself ( conveniently forgetting that it's only 4 months long). I mean, my current car totally has 2 dents in it...i can't possibly drive that around anymore.
So i bought a super cute awesome red Subaru...and in my dream it was pretty much exactly this model. And i loved it.