i wrote this *really* fast...

10 years ago today i was an 18 year old fresh-faced high school graduate and had just started junior college. PCC what-what!
i was obsessed with lord of the rings, drawing comics, had a hopeless crush on elijah wood, and aspired to maybe go to art center or something someday. i was afraid of the future. i was overweight, depressed and afraid of everyone and everything, convinced no one would ever love me and i would never do anything useful with my pitiful self...but i loved my stories, my family, my cousins, and making movies with them. i loved singing. i knew God was around somewhere....so i slogged ahead. (most of the time).
we still lived at atchison...i loved that house. james/joey/jeff/matt/anna...some or all of those people lived with us. we had olivia and quidam. my grandparents were alive and still living by themselves. sarah had stared her artsy fartsy LACHSA and i was jealous of her. there was no caid...joey and ginger weren't even married yet!

10 years ago there was no facebook, no twitter, no myspace. i had only had a cell phone for about a year, most other people in my family didn't ( i remember, in particular, joey holding out for quite a while and everyone being really mad at him). digital photography was still new-fangled and i still took film to vons to get developed. we carried around video cameras. took polaroids before it was cool.

10 years ago today i remember going into the kitchen and seeing crazy stuff going on in the news on the little tv my dad was watching while making breakfast. planes crashing into buildings thousands of miles away...tragic. i watched the second one hit, live, right before my eyes, and felt a twist in my stomach. i hardly had time to process the enormity before i grabbed a piece of toast and had to rush out to my english class.

needless to say, we didn't learn about essay writing or analyze short stories that day.

i cried a lot. my heart was burdened with a weight i had never felt before...life as i knew...both for myself, and for humanity, had changed forever. in ways i saw immediately, in ways i would only see unfold over years, and in ways i still have not seen.

a LOT of things have changed in ten years. just in this little life i call mine. but the 11th of September was one of them. i still can't think of it, i mean really remember what it was, with out shedding tears. and i'm glad for that! i never ever want to get used to what happened.

i don't care if this blog was corny or whatever. i know there are millions and bajillions out there just like it. but it's just what i'm thinking about~~~

good night...count yourself blessed to be able to have spent these last 10 years growing and changing and learning, rejoicing, and being able to grieve.

thank you Lord for my own little miracles. my own little trials. thank you i can feel You closer...though i know it's still not close enough. may others be able to find Your hand in strife...and give people comfort in Your sovereignty today.


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