the wedding is in 60 days.

60 DAYS.

this time last week it was 65 degrees and raining and SO beautiful. it hailed...it thundered...i wore tights and a jacket. happiness was mine!!
on saturday it began warming up again. today it's 95. i suppose 4 days of fall are better than none?
anyway, like i said, i'm getting married in exactly two months...and i'm trying allow myself to feel the overwhelm-sion, to acknowledge the stress, but also pair it with being as anticipatory and excited as i can!
it's mostly worked, that keeping in perspective of what a happy kind of stress and craziness this is... and that's not something one can usually say!

i've been thinking of the ceremony. i've been thinking of the hows and whos and whats.
in there among all that has been popping in the question of a flower girl. that tradition of a precious little beauty in a precious little dress bumbling down the isle before the bride walks out.

and all i can think of is gwennie.

there are many other little girls i know...beautiful, sweet, dear little girls i love. little girls who would be perfect...but thinking about them walking before me instead of gwen just breaks me.

because if gwen was here--her little whispy-haired 4-year-old self--it would be her. i only want her...my heart feels like having any other child walk in the wedding instead would be a disservice to her.

and then i feel horrible, selfish, silly.

i still don't know what i'm going to do. i had an idea of having Caid walk down as the ring bearer, or Henry and Ian, all holding red balloons in memory of her.

for a moment i let myself tell God it's so awful to even have to ponder this. it's not fair.
but He knows why this is all needed and necessary, so i chastise my short-sighted self-righteousness and move along.

a girl at work this morning told me i looked weighed down, and she gave me a hug...it actually made things a lot better. and now i'm getting all weepy...but i need to finish this background today...! i guess my immediate prayer is that i could do just that. i'll think about everything else later.


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