i need a week...

a good long week

to sit and think...

of things i like

and want to make

not because everyone else does...

but just because i do.

oh hail no!

On the rare occasion that Chad and i shop together...this is scarily accurate.

sighs for today's sunshine!

And today i'm just...fine! There's a lingering of melancholy somewhere there in my heart...but being at work and not outside? is okay. sitting in front of the computer? okay. the piece i was working on yesterday that was killing me? today it's kinda fun.

Maybe it's cause i got to spend a little time with Chad this morning, or even that it's just a little hotter than yesterday so i don't mind not being outside because i'm a HUGE baby when it comes to heat!

Maybe it's cause my cousin sent me this picture from our wedding...

Maybe cause my mom-in-law texted me that a group had been praying for Chad and me last night. I'm sure that might have something to do with it...

But really there is nothing much different today than it was yesterday, and it feels like yesterday was so long ago. 

Oh, fragile, strange, so easily-wounded mind...

will i ever comprehend you?

sighs for long ago sunshine...

Today is a beautiful day. It's not cold, it's not hot. I left my desk to answer my phone and went outside to an afternoon that begged to be rejoiced in...

Today is one of those days that i wish i was 11 years old...in the sense that i am yearning to run around my grandparents' backyard with my little sister and play pretend. Go swimming...then sun ourselves on towels spread on the grass. Eat peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while the cool breeze lifts our damp hair around our faces. Make crowns out of clover blossoms. Doze off to the lullaby of soft rustling leaves in the trees, the buzzing of bees, you can almost hear the clouds moving through the cerulean sky. The sounds of a fast-approaching summer. 

But i'm not 11...i'm 30. How did that happen??
I'll never run around my grandparents' backyard and play pretend again. I'll play pretend with my own children one day...but my grandparents' house is gone. We had to sell it 2 years ago.
My mind is heavy with the weight of now. Of being a grown-up...of things like aging parents, being laid-off last week, helping and encouraging a tired husband. Not to mention all the hurt and suffering those around me are experiencing...!

But how wonderful to have memories of those days to think back on and be grateful for. I'm so glad we had that house. I'm so glad the Adams got to bring their babies there. I'm so glad I had a job to support Chad and me these past months, and i know the Lord will bring another along. Chad and i knew this first year of marriage would be hard, with him being in school and working, and me in this industry that i feel i have no place in...but for some reason God has me here. And at least we get to see each other every day...even if it's just for a few hours in the morning or evening.

I guess more than anything i just wish i could go play outside in the sunshine with my sister. in bare feet. in our little girl bodies. with no bigger concern than making sure we didn't get peanut butter and jelly in our hair.

darling instagram

So, this month, to spur my instagramming creativity, i'm letting Darling Magazine give me the nudges. I love this magazine, i love this organization. I love thei'r aesthetic, what it stands for, and i love their burden to educate, edify and encourage young women.
Anyway, they started the "darlinginstachallenge", and i was IN! Then each day they pick their favorite 4 from the day before on their instagram profile.

Day 3 (March 3rd) was "Reason you laughed uproariously". I entered one of my favorite pictures ever, of Chad and Maela doing what they do best: making snaggle faces at each other. See it here.

Next day, what did i see...but that they had picked the picture as one of the 4! HA! Also, they picked a picture by my friend Shelvy. Such a small world.

Anyway, so that was fun.

true

Photoaday week 3

By week 3, i'm starting to get antsy. But i finish what i start, dang it.

Day 15...this day i rebelled.
the prompt was "in your fridge"...which i thought was totally lame. 

#PERFECT
little newborn baby faces. welcome to the world, baby Luke!

#INYOURHAND
silver dollar Eucalyptus. aside from Gingko and Pepper, they're one of my favorite trees.

the secret mind palace

every so often, there comes the comfort that--to put it simply--just because you don't process and function they way everyone around you seems to, it doesn't mean you're broken.

i read this today, and usually these self-discovery/affirmation-type lists rub me the wrong way, even if i identify with  them.

but because this one hits at the Christian aspect of my life--that being, the most important and also the most personal and fragile part--and reflects me so clearly, it almost brought me to tears. the things i have always struggled with, and as a result feel like i'm not a successful christian. it's like someone looked into my walk and experiences and wrote this just for me (except maybe for the first sentence) one of those: "i know a lot of people think that this applies to THEM most, but if they only understood, they's see that it actually applies to ME more than anyone!!" ha.
tis bittersweet.

ways to handle a christian introvert

DOWNTON I HATE YOU

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME

seriously

this is the greatest thing i have ever read.

49 ReasonsWhy The Notebook is the Worst, Most Frustrating Movie Ever Created 

thank you, facebook friend.

Photoaday week 2

Second week of the FMS Photoaday project...

#SOMETHING ORANGE
my alka seltzer fizzling away 

#GUILTY PLEASURE
No shame here! Random sampling...
#ya#yalit #fantasy #scifi #books#imagrownup #ijustlikeawesomestuff

#3OCLOCK
cloudy palms. that sounds like a strange resort. 

Photoaday Week 1

A little late on this...here's the first week of Instagram Feb Photo a day...!

 #FORK
i never finish cake. #officebirthday#poorcake

#PATTERN
my great aunt's rocking chair 

#SOMETHING BEGINNING WITH E
Evan's glass vase, used for the first time in our new apartment.

the next day

What did i tell you...? today is better.
Praying in the morning and reading "My Utmost..." with my husband over breakfast certainly didn't hurt.

Could i go so far as to say that's the whole reason?

probably.

ah, the wonders of a cyclothymic brain!

also, i'm gonna do this:

perhaps i'll upload the weeks's photos every thursday. that should be fun.

happy february :)

today i'm a regular lemon

One would think that, by now, i would have peaked in my socially awkward tendencies. At least i hoped i would have. Alas, little by little i continue to find that i have--most definitely--not.

Sometimes it produces no more than a shake-my-head-and chuckle-to-myself reaction...like when i do something weird, or say something endearingly (hopefully) erratic. Other times, like today (and, i will admit, most days i've been working here at disney) it just makes me feel achingly incompetent and broken as a human being. I know that sounds terrible, but i'm just being honest.

Everyone here is silly, geeky, sweet, and all awkward in their own ways. But every time i walk into the building or leave my cubicle for any reason, i pray that i will not run into anyone. I am very literally afraid of talking to people. They have parties, get cakes for people's birthdays, and i hear them all laughing and hanging out with each other...

sitting at work

and i sit in my little space and hope that no one realizes I'm in here and comes to get me. and i hate it.

i started experiencing these fears when i was about 14 years old. i remember. and instead of growing out of it, it has rather grown with me, manifesting itself in dishearteningly countless different ways. It is so familiar that i don't even think about it sometimes. But today as i walked through the kitchen instinctively avoiding eye contact with my co-workers, yet smiling dumbly to the floor so i don't seem like a jerk i was struck again with how ridiculous and crippling this problem really is to me.
The panic that sets in when i am standing alone in a room full of laughing people, the shot of adrenaline that burns in my chest when someone acknowledges my presence.

I just want to leave. So i can breathe. I leave early, not finishing my work, so i can be alone and not not in constant dread. So i can go home to my husband who doesn't make me feel scared. So i can sleep and not have to think of how dysfunctional i am.

And it happens
with

friends...

family...

church...

retreats...

social gatherings, holidays... and i thought that it would be better by now.

i suppose it is better, in some ways, yet in others it's worse. and i'm tired...today i am so. tired. of it.

It just makes me dread the rest of my life. I remember when i was in my 20 thinking "this can't go on forever, it can't. it won't. it has to get better because i can't live like this." and now i am 30 and thinking exactly the same thing. It's exhausting.

The difference is, that unlike 10 years ago, i know that the feeling ebbs and flows and sometimes i don't even feel it, so that's good. Also that "feelings" are rarely based in fact. It's kind of like realizing that you're dreaming while you are still in the dream. Things seem a certain way, but you know they aren't real and it's all in your head, but there's not much you can do but try to move along the best you can until it's over. But it doesn't really make what's happening feel much better.

And i also know now that "feelings" don't last...thank God.

i know i'm currently in the grip of this overwhelming, almost blind internal hysteria right now and that it will wear itself out. That's a difference from 10 years ago, too.

So i suppose i'll just take my own consolation and just ride this day through...and perhaps do the same thing tomorrow.
But i try not to think that far ahead. I like to hope that maybe, by tomorrow, i won't feel like such a lemon of a human--maybe it truly will all be better.

present pinspiration

cozy yummy breakfast & coffee (because it's my favorite thing)

rustic eclectic lush and light (because this is what i want my house to look like)

peachy pink wellies (because it's been raining! and, because, peachy pink! and wellies!)

super rad pillow (because you can't have enough awesome pillows. and i love beach house) 

cold coastal foresty cliffs (because i want to write stories there)

brain!

xkcd. it's pretty great.

sometimes

you just need to allow yourself to feel things.

1 month

i can't believe we've already been married for a month...

...yet at the same time, i feel like it's been so much longer. settling into married life has been difficult, but sweet and rewarding. we were so ready.

first christmas

first dinner (zankou) in our new little place (with our designer coffee table)

Chad is working full-time at Trader Joe's, is in the midst of his winter class, and just signed up for his spring semester.

I am still at Disney television working on Minnie's Bow-toons, and was just offered more work with the possibility of full time, WOW...!
God is blessing us, and stretching us, so right now we are praying for wisdom, patience, and stamina! Sufficient sleep will definitely be one of our priorities. 

Please keep us in your prayers...Chad is nervous about the coming semester and really needs the Lord's strength. As for me, i need to learn how to be the most productive with my time and energy. i have a lot to do...including a ridiculous amount of thank you notes left to write...!

(heart) colleen

an actual thought process i had recently...

hm, i feel like a drink. 

glass of wine, or glass of beer...?
wait a minute, i'm 30...i can have both!!

...i think i only had a beer in the end, but still.

arts mountains advents

current pinspiration

create

can i go?

lovely advent calendar

this haircut. and the dress.