bye and bye, grandpa...

December 3, 1924 - September 8, 2013

My grandpa Floyd went to be with Jesus this afternoon. Surrounded by 3 of his children, 2 of his grandchildren, and a son and daughter-in-law.

What a strange thing it is, to watch someone take their last shuddering breath in this world...

and sometimes...doors just shut.

I wrote about the impending Russian adoption ban in December, and how it was bound to affect a family very close to us. Read it here.

Jaime, the mother of that family, posted this on facebook today...

I'm just heartbroken. Another tragedy i don't understand. If i can't even conceive that this is good-bye forever for them...how much more wrenching and painful is it for Jaime and her family...??

I am once again overwhelmed. Putin's pride shattering the lives and chances of thousands of children. It's just a nightmare.

And now that Isaac is 5 years old and has down's syndrome, he will likely be transferred to a mental facility, where he will have a very small chance of survival, much less a fraction of care and dignity...and definitely not love. After years of waiting and prayer, tens of thousands of dollars raised, getting to meet him finally this last winter....it's just...over.

They'll have to live and continue on their lives knowing he's alive somewhere, lying in a bed, wasting away, and there is nothing they can do. 

It's just so grievous i can't put it into words. God, this can't be the end of Isaac's story...

this life

Yesterday...

...just one of those "I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO FEEL" kind of days.

My heart broke...again...(for, what, the 4th time in just the past year or so?) for the lives of so many that were literally blown apart.

I just can't even imagine having been in Boston yesterday...especially those who lost a limb or a loved one. The reality and scope of these acts of horrendous violence are beyond me. My mind can. not. understand them.
Whenever i feel like i've been desensitized by movies & tv, something like this--or Newtown/Sandy Hook, or Aroura, or 9/11--remind me very quickly and painfully that i definitely have not.

In that same hour, one of my oldest and dearest friends sent me a beautiful surprise: a picture of her just born baby girl...nestled on her chest...tiny, black-haired, eyes wide with brand-new sight. I'd known it could be any day now, but it was the last thing i expected at that point! My heart mended just enough... enough to finish the work i needed to do.

Over the weekend a hummingbird built a teeny tiny nest right outside our living room.

it's about as big as a teaspoon

took this picture this morning from the window, she totally
saw me spying on her.

It scares me how precious and fragile it is...that there is so much working against its survival...but isn't every day like that? Every day of our lives?

This world is often a horrendous place...but there is still room for miracles. Like a perfect little human being pulled from the womb of a woman who has struggled through so much of her life, but God has held her, blessed her, kept her. And here she is now, a mother. A mother!

Lives ended, lives begun. Mystery. Grief. Joy.

peace? yes, even peace...

how.

how do you spend sweet time, cherish, and yet prepare peacefully (as possible) in faith for the coming death of your baby girl?

like this family...Madeleine.

bigger than politics

a horrific, horrific day.

the wrenching away of a child's life is just too much to much to process. in sickness, i have perspective...but in such diabolical violence...? i don't. i'm empty to it.

the angry web of evil and derangement that would drive a human being to this... we still don't know the seriousness of this problem. it is bigger than anyone wants to deal with.

many changes are coming, i think. i don't know exactly how i feel about it. are we ready for a real and honest conversation? perhaps i will expand on my thoughts at another time.

just thinking of empty little beds. empty little chairs.
presents under the tree that will never be opened.
when we got home from the hospital the night Gwennie, i watched Ginger walk in silently, an empty baby carrier in tow. Gwen's toys were still scattered, right where she left them only hours before. dinner dishes and her sippy cup still on her high chair. suddenly the enormity of what this grief would be hit in an jarring and distressing way. her life was everywhere...her little toothbrush. her favorite bath toy.  her sock left in the dryer. a dried drip of drool. a piece of paper she scribbled on for a moment, nothing fancy and easily discarded, instantly becomes precious.
it was long before steps were made to remove the things that made it hers. for weeks Ginger couldn't bring herself to wash the linens in Gwen's crib, her blankie and glowworm, her little tufts of hair. even her clothes, with their apple sauce stains and smells of sour milk. it took the imminent arrival of the twins to really make it happen. all her dresses in the closet...the new clothes bought because she was just starting to grow out of her old ones...
i'm still not sure what they ended up doing with them all. i have never felt the right time to ask.

these are a fraction of what these families are facing now. right now.

un. speakable.

it is...the worst of the worst night mares. and my heart is broken. 

This evening i met with a friend at peets to discuss wedding matters. Shortly before i left, i saw these two young girls. A big sister playing and cuddling with her little sister. They sat there in that stool, waiting for parents, no doubt,  talking and singing softly to each other, all the while the older girl making sure her little sister was secure, comfortable and happy. It was a display if sweetness and innocence in love and affection that was so desperately good for my heart. 


Lord Jesus, only You can save us here.

tonight

maybe someday.

no mistakes

Read this post on a friend's blog, whose family is experiencing their own painful trial of waiting on God. Her words, and the blog she linked to, kept me up half the night...sobered in sad thoughtfulness. I left this comment on Jamie's post, and thought i'd post it here as well.

Ended up looking over almost the entire blog about Tripp, thinking about him, the preciousness of his existence, the testimony of Courtney, and how we have the hope of knowing there is no wasted life. Baby Tripp had a very specific purpose, though the eyes of the rest of the world may have seen his life as simply unnecessary. 
The suffering and death of babies has to be so agonizing to the Lord...even more so than for me, for us (though my human mind can't even comprehend it). And from that perspective i have to know that there's an infinitely greater eternal work happening.
I don't know. I'm also realizing that it's not my job to figure this all out but just to trust that somehow it is good, and that He makes all things beautiful.


Just so you know, Tripp died on the 14th, just a few days ago, his memorial was yesterday. He is free and whole...how marvelous, how wonderful.

And the Lord loves Ian...and He doesn't make mistakes.

Wren and i went to Phoenix and saw Ian this weekend...i'm tired. we only stayed for one night, but holding him far outweighed the time and energy spent.
i loved feeling his tiny hand hold my finger tightly as he slept. i hated seeing him so drugged, feeble, sick and sad. i loved seeing him smile for his mommy. i loved hearing Henry laugh when he saw us.
i hated to leave.

i drove out of Phoenix today with an aching heart and overwhelmed mind, and arrived in LA emotionally and mentally raw. thrown straight back into the tumult of life in my family, it's only within the last hour or two that i've really realized how frayed i am...thoughtless, short-tempered, distracted...and finally crying in the bathroom like a baby. i'm finding myself sorrowful and grieved.
God's going to make this all okay, but right now my mind and heart just aren't handling everything very well.

i miss Ian and Henry and the rest of the family already, and i can't ask you enough to keep praying for our little precious boy...

supporttheadams.com

55 years

sorting

packing

disposing

sifting and

watching the sun set on 3 generations of life in this home

hundreds of boxes, thousands of papers, drawings, pictures...

days of dust, tears and memories. 

chris died last night, just a few hours after we went to see him.
so bittersweet, so wonderful, so sad.

i don't really know what else to say

'

the night after i put up the pictures of gwen on sunday i dreamed she was alive again. i kissed her while ginger held her, she smiled her joyous smile and snuggled her face against mine, i could feel her fingers on my neck. her eyelashes on my cheek. but her voice...

i'm starting to forget her voice

some days entail bouts of instability
but you just push ahead.
even after you've fallen and scraped your knee.
because you remember times your leg was broken...but for today, at least you can still walk.

and God can use even that.

jessie

a girl at maranatha died tonight of cancer. her name was jessie and she was 14 years old.

here she is just a couple of years ago before she got sick...

i only really knew her as a quiet, tiny thing with a limp, a result of having part of her pelvis removed. but she was strong, and happy, and beautifully kind...and i'll miss her. 

please pray for her family...father, mother, and older brother josh, who is a senior at maranatha.

there are just more and more people i can't wait to see in heaven someday...

buggy

as happens oh so often

precious one,

today i missed you anew

 

ember

here glows the long, slow burn of grief and loss
now, tomorrow
until the water of sweet passing

Gwenyth June Adams

July 3, 2008 ~ November 14, 2009

with mama and big brother, Caid

we are so grateful that you are the Lord's, and that you are with Jesus

in your full and perfect glory with Him

who made you so lovely.

i love you and miss you ceaselessly

the day can't come soon enough when i will see you again, little bug.

how deep does God grieve
to see such desperation
children in bondage

sufNOT

so, the show sold out in a half hour...even with getting up at 6:55 (7am being the equivalent to 10am EST, when they went on sale) and repeatedly refreshing the ticketmaster page, i didn't have a fighting chance. it's all the more disappointing because, right before my alarm went off to wake me up, i actually dreamed that i had laboriously, yet successfully bought the tickets online. "didn't i already do this??" i thought to myself as i sat up in bed.
oh well.

curry

sometimes i reeeally miss kuala lumpur

slip

today was one of those slow, deceitful days.
kind of headachey, not very productive, where i easily lose focus on what is true.
it's so very easy to do.