all the leaves are brown...because the sun burned them up

there is something very very wrong in that it's been over 100 degrees every day and stores and various businesses are beginning to display fall merchandise. is there nothing sacred anymore??

having a moderately tough day today...it doesn't seem to matter how much sleep i get or how much coffee i drink...some days i just submit to an achy head full of cotton.

earlier, i found pretty adequate expression in alliteration...

feeling fairly feebly fatigued. 

 i'm prouder of that than i should be, i think.

Little Ian had surgery again this week...and now he (and Henry, too) has a cold :( pray for his little body to stay strong and fight off sickness and infection!

I tried to run a couple of days ago. Seriously, it was mostly walking, with little spurts of light jogging...and i still had horrible pain in my knee by only a mile & a half. Ended the day with frozen peas strapped to my leg and almost unable to walk. So bummed. I miss running so much.

Last night i dreamed that Chad and my sister were both killed in a horrible accident. I can think of a number of things in the past few days that could have triggered this...but i haven't had a dream quite that devastating in a long time. I remember crying til my eyes and throat were dry...despairing...praying, begging God to let me wake up from it all and find it was a horrible dream. But it went on so long, and it was so real, and my heart was so broken.
Chad called me to wake me up this morning. The relief that swept over me as i heard his voice and reality hit was like a wave of water. Kind of like a few days ago...but naturally, even greater and sweeter. And i was exhausted.

sheesh, brain...stressed out, much??

backin up

 First watch THIS.

Then watch THIS.

i guess i'm not giving up on the internet quite yet.

itch i can't scratch

It's been months now since i've done any artwork. i miss painting so much i could cry...i feel the need all over me, like a rash under my skin that i can't get rid of (cue jokes about my hygiene). Lord please help me find somewhere to be able to paint again soon...and feel free to give me a kick in the butt to get me moving.

command z

Night before last i had one of those dreams that gives one the rare opportunity of being REALLY happy when you're rudely awakened by your alarm in the morning...
In my dream i decided to buy a new car--I have a job now, so i can totally afford it!--i thought to myself ( conveniently forgetting that it's only 4 months long). I mean, my current car totally has 2 dents in it...i can't possibly drive that around anymore.
So i bought a super cute awesome red Subaru...and in my dream it was pretty much exactly this model. And i loved it.

dear photograph

I think i'm going to have to do this.

the kids love their netflix

I'm glad (usually) that i have a job to get me up in the morning. And on days when i don't have to worry about that...? There's always the guaranteed fail safe of squealing babies outside my door by 7:30 :)

A couple of weeks ago whilst getting dinner ready, Joey asked me if i had ever seen [movie i can't remember]. I replied sheepishly that i had, in fact, not.

Joey: (shaking head with a pained smile) Ohhh it's so good...

Me: (regretfully) I know, i know, there are so many good movies i need to see.

Ginger: We have it streaming on Netflix.

Me: Yeah, I need to start a Netflix account.

Caid: (wide-eyed) Netflix can do ANYTHING!

boom

Slow start at work today...well, slower than normal. Being overtired turns me into a 15 year old PC--including, but not limited to--obsolete programming, frozen a dozen steps behind, frequent crashes and an abundance of viruses!
Sleep has been super stressful lately for reasons of general body self-sabotage and brain-function rebellion to the max...it makes it a real bummer when someone sets off a firework in the middle of the night.

I was supposed to report for jury duty yesterday but i postponed at the last minute. Best decision i've ever made.

55 years

sorting

packing

disposing

sifting and

watching the sun set on 3 generations of life in this home

hundreds of boxes, thousands of papers, drawings, pictures...

days of dust, tears and memories. 

half awake

feeling extra weary and burdened today...maybe because it's friday? maybe this week's lack of sleep has added up. maybe because my heart is heavy with the pains and plights of people around me,  the mystery of circumstances, my own stinging self-consciousness...

i wish i could just make everyone i love happy, i wish i could keep them from hurting. i wish i could knock sense into people and force them to make better decisions. i wish i could force my brain to function normally and not shrink from every good (or unpleasant) thing that i am given.

ok that's enough.

qwik-e-wash

Sometimes in your rush to get things done efficiently, you find yourself stuck at a drive-thru car wash because the guy in front of you had his car break down inside of it, and then the car wash broke down because of it, and there are 3 cars in que behind you, the sky is growing dark, and the only person minding the whole gas station is a panicked, sweaty, obese little man with curly hair who can't get anything to work and looks like he's gonna cry.

view from work

these cloudy mornings
the lush hills out my window
green trees and houses

relief

I said to God that as soon as i had an income, i would find a child to sponsor through World Vision.

3 weeks ago i started a new job...and got my first paycheck...what a glorious day!

So then, with great excitement, i committed myself to this little girl:

Her name is Darlove, and she lives in Haiti. She likes drawing and playing with dolls...and for $35 a month she and her family can be fed, clothed, educated, and protected.
What's one less pair of shoes i can buy for myself...in exchange for giving a beautiful little girl a chance at life? I can live with that.

havin' a laugh

state of the web

a blessing

The view out of my window at work is incomparable. Especially when i'm here early enough to see the sun rise over the hills.

be still

I am learning that i'll just never know the reasons why things are allowed...i must somehow content my self that God does. And that He has promised His allowance of all things in His love. Last week our dear friends Kent and Nicole had to watch their newborn baby boy Everett suddenly succumb to seizures and could be facing permanent mental and physical damage from a blood clot in his brain.

They wrote this in a recent their email update:

epoch of the sad, sad orchid

When i started my job here at WildBrain almost 3 weeks ago, the other 5 people in the room i work in (the background department...we're a TEAM!) decided we needed to spruce the place up a bit. My supervisor brought in some abstract art by his 3 year old daughter and another BG painter brought in a lava lamp, and some drawings by her 6-year old.
i brought a copy of a Sargent painting i had torn out of somewhere...a couple of books, and a very, very, sad, sad orchid.

i've always preferred it cloudy

"Behold, He cometh with clouds."
~Revelation 1:7

"In the Bible clouds are always connected with God. Clouds are those sorrows or sufferings or providences, within or without our personal lives, which seem to dispute the rule of God. It is by those very clouds that the Spirit of God is teaching us how to walk by faith. If there were no clouds, we should have no faith. 'The clouds are but the dust of our Father's feet.' The clouds are a sign that He is there. What a revelation it is to know that sorrow and bereavement and suffering are the clouds that come along with God! God cannot come near without clouds, He does not come in clear shining.

"It is not true to say that God wants to teach us something in our trials: through every cloud He brings, He wants us to unlearn something. His purpose in the cloud is to simplify our belief until our relationship to Him is exactly that of a child - God and my own soul, other people are shadows. Until other people become shadows, clouds and darkness will be mine every now and again. Is the relationship between myself and God getting simpler than ever it has been?

"There is a connection between the strange providences of God and what we know of Him, and we have to learn to interpret the mysteries of life in the light of our knowledge of God. Unless we can look the darkest, blackest fact full in the face without damaging God's character, we do not yet know Him.
'They feared as they entered the cloud . . .' - Is there anyone 'save Jesus only' in your cloud? If so, it will get darker; you must get to the place where there is 'no one any more save Jesus only'."

~Oswald Chambers

thank you, my sweet chad, for reminding me of this.  <3

things

i think i'm in slight panic mode right now...

but i'm working, so that's good. it's fantastic, in fact.
i'm just...weary.

and my face is trying to kill me.

so much bitter-sweetness.

where is everything going...?